Self Conscious~Advice

13 Feb

Dear I Am Not Defined,

What can you tell someone who’s very self-conscious about the way she looks right now?
I hate the way I look. I’m not skinny, but I’m not fat either. But when I look at myself in the mirror I HATE what I see. Flabs around the stomach, a bit on the arms, on the thighs, chubby face. What makes it worse is that in the past a few people have technically called me overweight or fat directly or indirectly. Just the other day, a guy told me I was wider than my friend, and when it comes to boys, I feel really insecure. I had a few boys tell me I was beautiful online, but I knew that was just because they wanted some action and I wasn’t going to give it. I’m not that type of girl, but it did bring my confidence down a bit. Then the other day, this boy followed me on twitter and we started tweeting each other, and added each other on facebook. We started chatting, and it turned out he went to the same college as me. He then told me that I was really beautiful and something just lit up inside me. I guess I did have a little crush on him, even though I had just started talking to him. I think it was the fact that no guy, a decent one (or so I thought) told me I was beautiful, and I believed it. We started talking about whether we’ve seen each other on campus, and he said that maybe he saw me and asked whether I always wore a blue coat. Because I hate the way I look, I thought he’d get put off too but he still kept being nice to me. So the next day in college, I tried to look for him but I didn’t see him. Then when I came home, without an explanation, he had deleted me off of facebook. I felt like such a fool, and my confidence dropped a LOT. What makes it worse is that I see him everywhere now. I’m not sure whether he sees me or not, but when I walk past him, I don’t even acknowledge him. I just act as if he’s a stranger, but I can’t help noting that I’ve been played, and it hurts. I guess a few of my friends don’t help either. Sometimes they gossip about this one girl and how she’s fat but I don’t think she’s fat, more curvy, but short. They make fun of her weight and it makes me feel really bad because if they think she fat, what do they think of me? I obviously don’t join in, because I have no right to. I was having this talk with my two best friends and they keep saying that I am pretty, and beautiful, and cute, but as much as I want to believe them, I don’t. I want to lose weight and I’m trying to do that right now. It’s not like I eat really badly, I’m just adding more fruits and veggies. I want to change physically, and in a way, I want a genuine guy to tell me honestly how beautiful i look. Guy or girl, I think I just want a person to come up to me and just tell me that I look good for once? Is that selfish of me? I struggle with confidence, and I’m always giving advice to others, which means I keep all my troubles hidden and some days I end up crying because.. it gets to be too much.

-Self Conscious 

Dear Self Conscious,

It sounds like you’re having a really hard time with yourself right now. Guys can be jerks sometimes, and they don’t always think about how their actions will affect other people. I’m sorry some guy treated you like this.

I think you really need to work on being happy with yourself. So what if you see flab in the mirror. Is that flab going to attack? It truly won’t hurt you, just your self-conscience. You’re not defined by what you see in the mirror, it doesn’t reflect who you are, it only shows you what you look like on the outside, your shell. Work on being happy with who you are on the inside, and love for who you are on the outside will follow.

If your friends are upsetting you, talk to them. Tell them how it makes you feel when they talk about other people like that. If they are good friends, they will likely apologize. Girls are mean and tend to attack one another to make themselves feel better, and sometimes it can backfire. I’m sure your friends didn’t think about it because they don’t see you for your size, they see you as the person you are.

You are a beautiful woman, I mean that. Beauty is not defined by size zero fake blonde models, Real beauty comes from the inside. Embrace yourself and your size, there is a man out there that will love your for the shape that you are, and think you are more beautiful than a scrawny girl any day.

Remember that not everyone is nice, and no matter what size you are, people will still find mean things to say. Girls with some meat on their bones get called big or chubby, and skinny girls get called anorexic and scrawny. Not matter what you do there will always be people who feel the need to judge you. Just avoid them and let their comments and actions go. They don’t know the real you anyway, and if this is how they act, you don’t want to get to know them in the first place.

 -I Am Not Defined

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44 Responses to “Self Conscious~Advice”

  1. Anthony Gyening-Yeboah February 24, 2012 at 1:20 pm #

    Great words!

  2. chicpencil February 25, 2012 at 11:55 pm #

    well.. i can totally relate with Ms. Self-conscious! i understand how it feels like when being attacked by mean girls and jerk guys. i grew up being slim and moderate weight. i’m the ms. popular in school, with friends, and with colleagues. however in my late 20′s i suffered from hypothyroidism due to high stress levels at work and personal life! i ended up doubling my weight (went up to 110kg!). from being the popular gal, i felt people look at me as the lamest gal due to how i look like. but i didn’t allow them to rule over me on loving myself! after few years of medication, i undergo weight management. it helped a lot. it is not an overnight process and it needs determination especially the weight loss. right now, i’m aiming to go back to my original weight of 57kg. it takes time but none is impossible if you have the faith to succeed.

    So Ms. Self-conscious, there’s always the way to get your desired weight. However, like ‘I am not defined’ pointed out, it has to start from your inside self….

    - chicpencil

  3. magpiesmiscellany March 5, 2012 at 7:17 am #

    I know how you feel. I’m really tall as well as on the chunky side. I’ve been getting grief from friends and family (and schoolmates and now customers at work- anyone else notice how life hs more in common with high school than college) my whole life.

    I think the author is right about friends attacking others but not seeing the same in you- it becomes a bit of an us versus them mentallity (which is still not right of course) and they may well be totally oblivious to the fact that you identify with the ‘them’ as well.

    For a bit of quiet support, look up stop hating your body on tumblr. It seems like a great place for a little inspiration. (I’d link, but I’m having pc issues right now, sorry!)

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