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Unsure~Advice

26 Mar

Dear I Am Not Defined,
I recently reconnected with a childhood friend after a decade. He turned out to be a really nice guy, counting on the fact that he had always been rowdy and unruly when we were kids. What amazes me more is that he’s a musician. (I’ve always been weak at the knees for musicians.) He’s really sweet and all (I mean, he seems to be the guy I’ve been waiting for) but there’s a catch–he’s involved in a Christian youth group at his university. I mean, I love God too, but not to the extent that he does. In the midst of all my academic requirements, I don’t think I can commit to all the activities/meetings/etc. that he keeps on inviting me to. When we hang out (he’d walk me to the bus station since I pass by their school and he’s a dormer), we don’t talk about all the religious stuff as much as we talk about ourselves and each other. Still, I’m confused as to whether he just hangs out with me to convince me to join their organization or to actually get to know me better after all those years that we haven’t seen each other.
Sincerely,
-Unsure

Dear Unsure,

It sounds like this guy is actually into you. If he only talked about his youth group when you were around, I would believe that he just wanted you to join the group. It sounds like he is actually interested in who you are as a person, not just interested in getting you involved in something he is into.

You have to remember that he is not defined by his youth group affiliation, and just because he is involved in it, doesn’t mean it is all he thinks about. It seems like he is going above and beyond the call of a friend to get to know you better, and it sounds like you would enjoy getting to know him better as well.

You can always test the water a bit; invite him to do something off campus that does not involve his youth group. It doesn’t have to be a date, just a chance to hang out. If all he talks about is the group, then maybe he doesn’t have room in his life for much more right now. If he talks about his life or continues making an effort to learn about yours, I would take it as a clear sign that he sees you as more than a recruit.

If you are interested in more than friendship from this guy, maybe you need to discuss it with him. Plenty of couples I know consist of two people who feel a different level of religious conviction. If he likes you for who you are, then he won’t feel the need to push his group on you. You will have to feel it out, and see if a conversation about a relationship or more than a friendship is something you’re ready for. It might suit you perfectly to get to know him better for a while and just let life happen!

-I Am Not Defined

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Desperate~Advice

21 Mar

Dear I Am Not Defined,
The thing is, I really like a boy since about two years ago. I don’t want to like him, I tried to talk to him (but everybody says I didn’t. Maybe I just don’t know the way to talk to him because I think he’s too special to talk with a girl like me. I guess he doesn’t like me a bit, in fact, I do believe he hates me. Two years have passed, and I can’t go out with anyone else because I just can’t stop loving him. I’m afraid it won’t be over. Right now, I just want to let him go, but I don’t know how, I can’t stop thinking about him and because of that, I consider myself pretty weird. I don’t like being weird.
– Desperate

 

Dear Desperate,

I just want you to know that no guy is any more special then you are. You need to stop looking at him like he is someone better than you. It simply isn’t true. You as yourself are great, and you are just as valuable as any other person.

I can understand that you’re having problems with your crush on this guy. It sounds like it may be your first big crush, and that is always the hardest to get over. If you do not want to approach this guy, and try to make a go of it, then it is time to let him go. There is no special answer I can give you that will make you stop caring. You will have to make an attempt every day to see him as a regular person, who holds no power over you.

If all you can do is think about him, it’s time to re-train your brain to think about other things. Maybe you need to throw yourself into school work, or pick up a hobby. You will be even better off if you find something new to keep you busy that involves other people. Maybe you will meet someone else who you consider special enough for your attention.

I think it will also help if you figure out why this guy has a special hold on you. What is it that makes him seem so irresistible to you? Maybe you need to focus on what you don’t like about him, or focus on why you don’t want to be with him. If you truly don’t want him, you will get over it. It just takes time. There is no way to speed up the process of getting over someone, trust me, if there were, girls everywhere would be spared.

-I Am Not Defined

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Trust Issues~Advice

15 Mar

Dear I Am Not Defined,

There is a huge, complicated back story to my problem. All complications with an ex-boyfriend of mine, who I broke up with six months ago, and his new girlfriend (who used to be one of my best friends) and my (now ex) best friend.
My problem is that I have issues with these people but I can’t talk to them; they don’t want closure. I’m still hung up on the disloyalty of my (now ex) best friend because she lied about me, and spoke about me behind my back. I’ve always told every one of my friends to tell me if they have a problem with me, but instead she went to my ex-boyfriend and ranted to him about how I’ve changed, and how I’m a bad person; how I’ve apparently been talking about him in a bad light. Even though I despise him, I’m not that dishonest.
His new girlfriend got involved with an argument I had with him and now I’m no longer friends with her. I don’t feel like I can trust any of my friends anymore; I fear they’re all fake. What do you propose I should do about it, if anything?
-Trust Issues

 

Dear Trust Issues,

Closure is something I don’t really believe in. Is there really anything that your ex-boyfriend or friend can really say or do to make it better?  I think that you’re chasing down something that doesn’t exist. As hard as it is to know that your friends did this to you, be thankful they showed their true colors. At least you found out this guy was no good, and that your supposed best friend has a blabbering problem.

You don’t need people like this in your life. Create your own closure and write them and this situation off as a lost cause. They can’t really make this better, and you don’t need people like them in your life. It sucks to lose a friend, especially over a guy, but she made the decision to act the way she did, and does not deserve a friend who treats her better.

As for this guy, he shouldn’t have come between the two of you in the first place. It shows poor judgment on his part to get between friends, and to allow his girlfriend into an argument between you and him. He should not involve her in the personal issues the two of you have, and she wasn’t a very good friend for getting involved. It just creates a messy dramatic situation, where the cards feel stacked against you. You are so much better than this, and immature drama like this is beneath you.

It sounds like you make a conscious effort to avoid dramatic backstabbing situations with your friends, and if she had a problem with you, she should have talked to you about it. It was very low of her to take her issues to an ex of yours. He should have come to you as well, if he had an issue, instead of sending his girlfriend. I would just let them go, they can have each other. Stop talking to them, and avoid their drama. You are better off without their antics in your life!

-I Am Not Defined

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Awkward~Advice

12 Mar

Dear I Am Not Defined

I feel like I don’t belong in my group of friends at school. I don’t have that “label” that people have for other people, such as: the friend that always gives good advice, the friend who always makes me laugh, the friend who never makes a moment awkward, the friend who has the best fashion and I love to shop with, etc. I don’t fit in the categories that my friends want me to be in.

I just don’t understand, all my friends are nice to me at school and school activities. I am social and talkative, but I never actually hang out with anyone. They never invite me to anything, and I am not sure why.

But I am also paranoid to ever hang out with one of my friends one-on-one. I don’t know why, but I am. I am scared of being awkward or not good enough or funny enough, and it really bothers me. I am scared that they like me, but find everyone else and their other friends way more appealing and more fun to hang out with. This also translates into my dating life, which is non-existent. I am so scared that I can’t go on real dates because I will be too awkward.

I don’t know, but I am tired of being lonely and awkward.

-Awkward

 

Dear Awkward,

Is it possible that you project your insecurities onto your attitude around your friends? Maybe they don’t invite you out because you don’t seem into it. Maybe your friends see your fear of being awkward as a standoffish attitude. Simply put, maybe they don’t invite you out because you don’t act like it would be interesting to you.

 Instead of worrying about how you could act or what you could do, let go and relax. Just be. You don’t have to be labeled as one thing or another. You are you, and that is plenty. You do not have to be any type of person for your friends to like you. They are your friends and they like you because you are awkward and undefinable. You don’t have to give great advice, or have perfect fashion sense to be a good friend, or to be liked by your friends. They obviously see something in you that you don’t see; maybe you’re just a good friend in an unconventional way. It doesn’t matter; you should be liked for being the person you are, not because you fit into some cliché category that doesn’t mean anything in the long run.

If you want to do more things with your friends, make the effort. Have you ever tried inviting one of them to do something? Maybe they don’t invite you to do things because you don’t ever try to do things with them. People make assumptions, it happens, whether it’s true or not. I am sure your friends would be more than willing to do more if you simply tried to do more with them. Who cares if your awkward, that is just part of who you are, embrace it. I know a lot of guys who love awkward, clumsy, shy, quiet, odd girls. Not everyone wants the girl who has the best outfit, or fills every awkward pause. Most guys want a real girl, odd character traits and all. You have nothing to be insecure about, who cares what people think of you, what matters is what you think of yourself.

Don’t be so hard on yourself. I have no doubt that most of your friends feel awkward in social situations as well. They just may not show it in the same way. I know I always worry if I’m talking too much, or laughing weird, and most of the women I know worry about similar silly things. Who cares if you say the wrong thing, or trip over your own feet, you’re a real person, and no one is perfect all the time, we all say and do things we wish we hadn’t. Give yourself the freedom to just be, you don’t have to worry about every little thing, if you do, you’re going to miss the awesome things happening in front of you. If you worry less, you will enjoy yourself more, and if you put yourself out there a bit, you will likely find your friends willing to do more. Guys will come, and the right one won’t care if your awkward, he will like you for all that you are, and are not. Just don’t miss him because you’re stressing about what to say or do!

-I Am Not Defined

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Depressed~Advice

5 Mar

Dear I Am Not Defined,

Okay, ever since I started on WordPress, I’ve tried to find people and stories to encourage me to keep going in life. For the past few months, I’ve felt absolutely lost. What does that mean? Ever since I found that my will to continue has diminished significantly, it’s been a struggle every day to just do what I need to do. I know I have depression, and I’ve been getting treatment for it for a while…but after 7 years of being diagnosed with it, it has taken a large toll on my mindset. My family has gone through so much emotional hardships since then. We’ve done family therapy, we opened up, and we’ve become closer than ever.

As I get older, I started noticing that my family appears to think that I have this under control. They think I am getting better, that the problems aren’t that major. How am I supposed to tell them that I’ve been relapsing over the past 3 months? I tried talking about things with my friends, but I found only one of them understands completely, and I know she can’t handle everything I tell her because we’re in the same boat.

How can I keep myself from falling back into reclusive habits? I feel like if I tried to tell my family what was wrong, I would get blamed, in some way, for still feeling like this. I’m lost on how to approach this. Could the answer really be right in front of me, and I’m just scared to face it?

-Depressed

Dear Depressed,

You said that you and your family tried therapy, and that it worked really well for you then, so I wonder, have you tried it on your own? Have you talked to a therapist or counselor recently about your relapses? If you haven’t maybe it is time to. It sounds like you’re having hard time handling things on your own, so maybe you need some help right now. If you’re afraid of how your family will handle everything, talk to someone about it. Maybe they can help you find a good way to reach out.

If you really just want to talk to your family members about your situation, then maybe do it in baby steps. Maybe take them aside one at a time, and test the waters. Hint at possibly having some problems, and see how they react. They might surprise you, and be completely understanding. It sounds like your family really cares about you, having gone through such great lengths to get you help. I think you are probably thinking they will react badly, when they will most likely be understanding and try to help.

If it doesn’t go well trying to talk to your family, or they don’t react well when you test the water, maybe seek some support groups. There are a lot of people out there who suffer from depression, and I have no doubt that any search engine can give you numerous links.

If you’re afraid of withdrawing from the people around you, keep yourself from doing so. When you notice that you haven’t been out in a while, don’t be afraid to call up a friend or family member and make plans. The people around you may not understand what you’re going through, but they do still enjoy your company and want to be around you, so use it to your benefit. A good laugh with friends is severely underestimated when it comes to feeling down.

 I truly hope you find someone you can talk to, and don’t sink further into your depression. Remember that there is a light at the end of every tunnel, and no feelings will last forever. You can and will get through this. You have done so for seven years; it’s understandable that you are having a hard time. Everyone needs a break from trying so hard all the time. Just remember what you have in your life to be thankful for, and surround yourself with positive people who make you feel like yourself. I hope things get better!

-I Am Not Defined

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Books or Boys~Advice

29 Feb

Dear I Am Not Defined,

I know that my problems probably aren’t on the top of your list to answer, but I’d really like some straight up advice. People may dismiss it as typical high school drama – and I know I may too in a few years, but right now, it seems pretty real to me. How do you really know whether to choose to be together with a boy or to stay alone? Let me put everything in perspective first – I’m only fifteen. Before you jump to any conclusions… here’s my case:
I’m at the point of my life where school is extremely important – and any distractions may have repercussions lasting a long time. I study after school for six or seven hours at a time, and I barely have enough time to chat with my friends for just a few minutes. College is something I know I have to work hard for, and I’m trying my best. But this boy, it seems like we’re just right for each other. I’m not going to say that “we’re in love” for all of those who don’t believe in teenage love, but he’s not your typical guy. We have the same goals in mind, but he can handle school and girls. He’s polite, empathetic, charming, focused and careful with his words. I’m aware that in two years, we’ll be going off our separate ways for different schools, so this doesn’t have a chance of lasting. At all. So, it’s basically guaranteed some sort of terrible ending. So, if you were in my shoes, what would you do? And why? Take the chance at a relationship that promises a terrible ending and risk a drop in school, or continue focusing on school?

Dear Books or Boys,

You sound like a very smart person to be working so hard so young. I can understand how a boy could really make you question your decisions right now. Personally, when I want something, I make it work. If you really want to make a go of it with this guy, then you should. I’m not saying you should just throw away all your hard work though. You will have to find a new balance to your life. Maybe you work your bum off all week, like you do now, and you save Friday nights for guy time. If he really is good at balancing his own life, then he should understand that you have goals, and nothing will keep you from making the best of your life and education. If you have the same goals in mind, he will probably need to get his work done as well, so maybe you can study together? Are you in any of the same classes? You will just have to be creative about the time you have together, and how to get it.

I think that you’re doing a great job working so hard, but don’t forget to take some time for yourself. My best friend is the hardest working woman I know. She worked a full-time job, while putting herself through school full-time. She is always very happy that she works so hard, but often questions if all the hard work she puts in is worth it, if she never has time for friends of guys. No matter what age you are, you will still find yourself in similar predicaments if you don’t take the time now to schedule some healthy social activities. You said that you barely have time for your friends, and I wonder how that makes you feel. I hope that even though you work super hard, you take a few moments for yourself from time to time, and enjoy being young and smart.

I think that if you really want to be with this guy, you should be. Don’t let anything hold you back from what you want to gain in life. I also don’t think that just because you will both be going to college in two years, this will be a dead-end relationship. You do not know where you will be in two years, nor can you predict what will happen between you and this guy, between now and then. Who knows, you could end up in a college close to his, or even at the same one. If this guy really does work out for you, you will find a way to make anything work out. I guess I am saying “Don’t knock it ‘till you try it”. Don’t always discount things because you predict they will go nowhere. Your situation isn’t any less real because of your age. You feelings are still real feelings, and the decisions you make will affect your happiness.

In the end I think you know what the best decision is for you. If you think that you can find a new balance to your life, and make something like a boyfriend work, then go for it. If you think that it will be more of a distraction than you can handle, then do what is best for you, and steer clear. You sound like you have a great head on your shoulders, and I think that you can probably figure out how to do just about anything you set your mind to. Good luck with life and balance, I hope you find happiness regardless of what you decide to do.

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Complicated~Advice

23 Feb

Authors Note: I appreciate everyone who takes the time to seek advice here. Without you, I couldn’t keep this going, and I am so grateful! It has been so amazing to see everyone put their two cents in, and I feel like we have really started something interesting here! Thank you everyone for your supportive and thoughtful comments and advice for all the participants! If you’d like to get some advice of your own, don’t forget to head to the Advice Section! Thanks!

Dear I Am Not Defined,

My ex-boyfriend and i were together for four years when we broke up last year in January, when he suddenly decided we weren’t meant for each other. We go to the same church, so basically getting over a break up was hard, I would always see him. In December we met again, and he told me he found out he had a son and he had that son when we were dating (basically, he was cheating on me). He told me he loved and wanted us to get back together. We talked for a while, but now he isn’t calling anymore. Should I move on, should I just assume this is it? Did he just want to use me and play with my emotions? How do I move on from him when I see him every Sunday? There is also another girl in the church, and I feel like they are going out but he denies it even though the girl acts as if they are. Should I just back off?

-Complicated

Dear Complicated,

Getting over a break up is always difficult, especially when the relationship lasted four years. Having to go to church with the guy seems very difficult! I know it must be so hard seeing him, but maybe it is time for you to let it go. He obviously didn’t respect you enough when you were together, if he was out having a child with someone else. He had to cheat on you to get that baby, and that is not fair to you. If he didn’t treat you right in the first place, I don’t think he will treat you right now. It also sounds like he may be leading on another girl, or even dating her. Either way she obviously thinks something is going on between them, I doubt she made up some connection out of the air.

I would be wary of any man who cheated before. In my experience, if he doesn’t treat you right the first time around, it’s never going to get better. I have gone back to the same person time and time again, hoping things would get better, and I only got hurt worse in the end. Give yourself the foot up, and steer clear of this toxic guy. ]

If you have to go to the same church, stay away from him. If it means you have to sit in the back because he is up front, do it. If you’re not around him, he can’t reach you with his drama. If your church offers more than one service, consider attending a different one. If it is just too hard on you to see him, try going to church with a friend who goes to a different one, until you feel like you’re up to seeing him.

If you still talk to him, you should stop. It sounds like he is pretty good at getting to you emotionally, and he will probably try to pull on your heart-strings when he realizes that he no longer holds some power over you. Be there for yourself and steer clear of him. You don’t need someone in your life that hurts you, and leaves you feeling clueless and confused!

You don’t have to go hunt down another guy to help you get over this one, just enjoy being yourself, independent and happy, and in time you will meet someone who gives you the respect and attention you deserve, and doesn’t toy with your emotions or cheat. You’re an amazing woman and no one deserves to be cheated on or screwed with!

-I Am Not Defined

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Preferential Husband~Advice

20 Feb

Dear I Am Not Defined,

How do I tell my husband that I’m on the verge of asking for a divorce because of the way he treats the kids? He’s not violent but his attitude is atrocious. He lectures the eldest while the youngest gets away with everything. Nothing my older son does is good enough, and it’s causing him to be depressed to the point he’s said he’s wished he were dead.

 -Preferential Husband

Dear Preferential Husband,

It must be so difficult to deal with your husband when he makes your kids feel like this. Have you tried talking to him about the negative impact it has on your children? I grew up with parents that treat my youngest sibling like he can do no wrong, and it really affected how I looked at the world as a child and even now as an adult.

Do you have any idea why he is so hard on your oldest child? Is he trying to get him to strive for more, and just approaching it the wrong way? Or does he really feel like your kid just doesn’t do anything right or well? Is he easier on your youngest for being the baby of the family? Or is he truly just preferential? I would try talking to him about his reasoning behind how he treats the children. If you feel like you can’t get through to him, or just need help, look into counseling. Maybe you need someone on the outside to help you both asses where you are at, and how you feel about things. No matter what, I would seek help for your oldest. Suicide is not a joke and should be taken seriously.

If he doesn’t have any good answers, or you have already tried talking to him or simply feel like you can’t, maybe you should get the divorce. Just be sure that this is really what you want, and that this is really what is best for you and your family. Before you suggest a divorce I would make sure that you have things in order. Divorces can get ugly and I would hate for you and your children to fall on hard times because you’re trying to get away from a bad situation. Do you have family or friends that you can lean on? Look to your support system for help, and maybe even talk to the people you trust the most before you decide to go through with this, and if you do, talk to them about what you should do next.

There is no happy way to go about a divorce. It is the end of something that was promised for life, but if it truly is a bad situation, you need to get out of it. If you feel that you can discuss a divorce safely with your husband, you should. Approach the situation calmly and rationally. Don’t be insulting, be honest, and don’t hash out things that don’t matter. It’s not a good time to accuse each other of wrong doing, it is simply a time to admit that you can’t do it anymore, and to find the best way to get out of it amicably.

I hope that you can find a good way to deal with your situation, whether it comes down to some deep conversation or divorce. I also hope that you will find someone for your oldest child to talk to. It can be so hard growing up, and feeling like you can do no right in your parents eyes. Get them some help before this situation gets worse. You should also take the time to let your oldest know what an amazing person you think that they are. Make sure to be encouraging and to remind them how much you love them, and commend them when they do well, so they don’t feel like their accomplishment’s go unnoticed. In the end you know what is right for you and your family, and I hope that good things will grow from this situation.

-I Am Not Defined

Authors Note:

Suicide is never the answer. It is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, and will not solve anything. If you or someone you know has had, or are having suicidal thoughts, I encourage you to find someone to talk to. Seek help. You are loved and unique, and the world needs you here. If you don’t think anyone cares, I do. I think the world is made of beautiful, unique, amazing people, and it would be a tragedy to lose anyone to such an unfortunate end.

International Suicide Prevention

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Self Conscious~Advice

13 Feb

Dear I Am Not Defined,

What can you tell someone who’s very self-conscious about the way she looks right now?
I hate the way I look. I’m not skinny, but I’m not fat either. But when I look at myself in the mirror I HATE what I see. Flabs around the stomach, a bit on the arms, on the thighs, chubby face. What makes it worse is that in the past a few people have technically called me overweight or fat directly or indirectly. Just the other day, a guy told me I was wider than my friend, and when it comes to boys, I feel really insecure. I had a few boys tell me I was beautiful online, but I knew that was just because they wanted some action and I wasn’t going to give it. I’m not that type of girl, but it did bring my confidence down a bit. Then the other day, this boy followed me on twitter and we started tweeting each other, and added each other on facebook. We started chatting, and it turned out he went to the same college as me. He then told me that I was really beautiful and something just lit up inside me. I guess I did have a little crush on him, even though I had just started talking to him. I think it was the fact that no guy, a decent one (or so I thought) told me I was beautiful, and I believed it. We started talking about whether we’ve seen each other on campus, and he said that maybe he saw me and asked whether I always wore a blue coat. Because I hate the way I look, I thought he’d get put off too but he still kept being nice to me. So the next day in college, I tried to look for him but I didn’t see him. Then when I came home, without an explanation, he had deleted me off of facebook. I felt like such a fool, and my confidence dropped a LOT. What makes it worse is that I see him everywhere now. I’m not sure whether he sees me or not, but when I walk past him, I don’t even acknowledge him. I just act as if he’s a stranger, but I can’t help noting that I’ve been played, and it hurts. I guess a few of my friends don’t help either. Sometimes they gossip about this one girl and how she’s fat but I don’t think she’s fat, more curvy, but short. They make fun of her weight and it makes me feel really bad because if they think she fat, what do they think of me? I obviously don’t join in, because I have no right to. I was having this talk with my two best friends and they keep saying that I am pretty, and beautiful, and cute, but as much as I want to believe them, I don’t. I want to lose weight and I’m trying to do that right now. It’s not like I eat really badly, I’m just adding more fruits and veggies. I want to change physically, and in a way, I want a genuine guy to tell me honestly how beautiful i look. Guy or girl, I think I just want a person to come up to me and just tell me that I look good for once? Is that selfish of me? I struggle with confidence, and I’m always giving advice to others, which means I keep all my troubles hidden and some days I end up crying because.. it gets to be too much.

-Self Conscious 

Dear Self Conscious,

It sounds like you’re having a really hard time with yourself right now. Guys can be jerks sometimes, and they don’t always think about how their actions will affect other people. I’m sorry some guy treated you like this.

I think you really need to work on being happy with yourself. So what if you see flab in the mirror. Is that flab going to attack? It truly won’t hurt you, just your self-conscience. You’re not defined by what you see in the mirror, it doesn’t reflect who you are, it only shows you what you look like on the outside, your shell. Work on being happy with who you are on the inside, and love for who you are on the outside will follow.

If your friends are upsetting you, talk to them. Tell them how it makes you feel when they talk about other people like that. If they are good friends, they will likely apologize. Girls are mean and tend to attack one another to make themselves feel better, and sometimes it can backfire. I’m sure your friends didn’t think about it because they don’t see you for your size, they see you as the person you are.

You are a beautiful woman, I mean that. Beauty is not defined by size zero fake blonde models, Real beauty comes from the inside. Embrace yourself and your size, there is a man out there that will love your for the shape that you are, and think you are more beautiful than a scrawny girl any day.

Remember that not everyone is nice, and no matter what size you are, people will still find mean things to say. Girls with some meat on their bones get called big or chubby, and skinny girls get called anorexic and scrawny. Not matter what you do there will always be people who feel the need to judge you. Just avoid them and let their comments and actions go. They don’t know the real you anyway, and if this is how they act, you don’t want to get to know them in the first place.

 -I Am Not Defined

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Secret Girlfriend ~Advice

8 Feb

Dear I Am Not Defined,

As your latest post is about looks and how certain people can be mean, this came up to my mind. And as I cannot think of anyone else to discuss this with, I thought, I might as well try to ask you. I am fat… to the point of obese. I am trying, but it seems to be a very slow process of losing weight. Earlier I was very confident about my body, but now, I am very conscious. I think it is because my boyfriend says (I am not sure if it is his way of encouragement, or if he really means it) that he is not ready to be seen in public with me. He even refuses to meet me and says it is better we talk over the phone or the internet till I lose weight. Is this normal? Am I letting him trouble me too mush… because such statements by him are very hurting.

 -Secret Girlfriend

Dear Secret Girlfriend,

No woman should ever be made to feel like her body is holding her back. You are not defined by your size, and any man worth your time would see that. You are amazing because of who you are on the inside, your size does not say anything about the person you are. If this man makes you feel like crap about yourself, then you should really ditch him.

It broke my heart to read that he keeps you a secret. He should be proud to be with you, and proudly parade you around as yourself, not some skewed image of what he expects you to be. I think he may have some problems of his own if he is truly worried about your weight, and he does not act very nice with comments that put you down.  Encouragement should never hurt!

There is going to be some guy out there that sees beyond your size, and loves you for the person that you are. You don’t need some vain man putting his own insecurities on you, and putting you down. A true man will love you for you. Look at your body like it is the cover of a book. You can find some truly amazing books in an array of covers.

To be honest, most men don’t want the anorexic model type anyway. It’s not fun to cuddle with a person who feels like a bag of bones. Most men appreciate real curves, and real women. Who wants to be with someone who is that obsessed about themselves, and focuses all of their energy on body image?

If you’re truly concerned about your weight, be healthy. Look at what a real serving size is, on food packages, cut down on sugary drinks, walk as often as you can, and enjoy yourself. It can get pretty boring running on a treadmill for hours, so pick up a dance game and shake your bum off in the privacy of your home (There are some fun dancing games for the Wii etc.). Just find something that you enjoy doing that gets you up and about, and do more of it! Honestly though, don’t focus so much about your size, it doesn’t define you. Be happy with who you are on the inside, and surround yourself with people who love you for who you are, not who you seem to be. I would personally ditch the guy to; you don’t need someone in your life dragging you down. He is too superficial anyway if he only sees your size when he looks at you. Forget about guys like him; there are real men out there!

 -I Am Not Defined

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© I Am Not Defined, 2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited.

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