Tag Archives: random

Depressed

19 Mar

Things started getting very difficult for me when I started questioning my mind. I wondered if everyone else felt as depressed and unhappy in life as I did. I seriously doubted all of my happy-go-lucky friends could feel like I did, and still smile and goof around all day.

Life started to wear me down, and I started dealing with long spells of deep depression, and I had no idea how to handle it. My family situation was still rough, and I felt like my friends were mostly superficial and fake. I had had a very hard time with a boy who I yo-yo dated in middle school and high school. I had never dealt with a guy who tried so hard to make me jealous, and my emotions were easily pulled down.  The guy I had seen off and on insisted on dating my close friends when we were not together, and loved making moves on them behind my back when we were together. I took it to heart, and felt like there must have been something wrong with me if he felt the need to act like that.

I was always blaming myself for everything, and I felt like people always treated me the way they did because of something I had done. I held everything in because I didn’t feel like I had anyone to share with, or knew anyone who could relate to my problems. I started feeling like I couldn’t handle things anymore, and that’s when I started to cut.

I don’t know why I thought that cutting was the answer, but at the time, I felt like it was a necessary release. I could beat myself up emotionally, but if I cut myself, I could really feel the pain. I think I was so fazed and numbed by life at that point, and it felt like the only way I could connect to something. It didn’t really make sense then, and I think back to it now, I wonder what I was thinking.

Cutting myself didn’t solve any of my problems. In retrospect, I think it made things harder for me. It was just one more hurdle to get over. Cutting didn’t fix the problems I had, or help my emotional pain go away, it didn’t solve anything. If anything, it made me feel worse about myself. It was a bad idea then, and I recommend it to no one, your body is important, you only get one, so you better take care of it. You can’t let people get to you; you can’t let life get to you.

So many people turn to self-abuse like it is a cure, but in reality it only makes the disease worse. You don’t feel any better about yourself, and it eventually makes you feel more depressed.

One of the boys I grew up with was teased like crazy for being different. He once told me he started cutting himself because it made him feel something other than rejection. It wasn’t a good way for him to deal with things, and I didn’t know it then, but his adventures in self-mutilation eventually lead to his suicide. When I learned about his death, I started to really reconsider the way I was harming myself. I didn’t want to die. Sure I had dealt with some very depressing times, but I still had hope that better things were in my future. I immediately stopped cutting myself, and never picked up a blade again.

I wish I could say that was the end of me causing damage to myself, but my adventures in substances were just starting, and I had many miles on the road of addiction. I wish I could have told myself that taking it out on my body was a bad idea, but I had to learn that the hard way.

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 © I Am Not Defined, 2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited.

Trust Issues~Advice

15 Mar

Dear I Am Not Defined,

There is a huge, complicated back story to my problem. All complications with an ex-boyfriend of mine, who I broke up with six months ago, and his new girlfriend (who used to be one of my best friends) and my (now ex) best friend.
My problem is that I have issues with these people but I can’t talk to them; they don’t want closure. I’m still hung up on the disloyalty of my (now ex) best friend because she lied about me, and spoke about me behind my back. I’ve always told every one of my friends to tell me if they have a problem with me, but instead she went to my ex-boyfriend and ranted to him about how I’ve changed, and how I’m a bad person; how I’ve apparently been talking about him in a bad light. Even though I despise him, I’m not that dishonest.
His new girlfriend got involved with an argument I had with him and now I’m no longer friends with her. I don’t feel like I can trust any of my friends anymore; I fear they’re all fake. What do you propose I should do about it, if anything?
-Trust Issues

 

Dear Trust Issues,

Closure is something I don’t really believe in. Is there really anything that your ex-boyfriend or friend can really say or do to make it better?  I think that you’re chasing down something that doesn’t exist. As hard as it is to know that your friends did this to you, be thankful they showed their true colors. At least you found out this guy was no good, and that your supposed best friend has a blabbering problem.

You don’t need people like this in your life. Create your own closure and write them and this situation off as a lost cause. They can’t really make this better, and you don’t need people like them in your life. It sucks to lose a friend, especially over a guy, but she made the decision to act the way she did, and does not deserve a friend who treats her better.

As for this guy, he shouldn’t have come between the two of you in the first place. It shows poor judgment on his part to get between friends, and to allow his girlfriend into an argument between you and him. He should not involve her in the personal issues the two of you have, and she wasn’t a very good friend for getting involved. It just creates a messy dramatic situation, where the cards feel stacked against you. You are so much better than this, and immature drama like this is beneath you.

It sounds like you make a conscious effort to avoid dramatic backstabbing situations with your friends, and if she had a problem with you, she should have talked to you about it. It was very low of her to take her issues to an ex of yours. He should have come to you as well, if he had an issue, instead of sending his girlfriend. I would just let them go, they can have each other. Stop talking to them, and avoid their drama. You are better off without their antics in your life!

-I Am Not Defined

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© I Am Not Defined, 2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited.

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