Tag Archives: refletions

Depressed

19 Mar

Things started getting very difficult for me when I started questioning my mind. I wondered if everyone else felt as depressed and unhappy in life as I did. I seriously doubted all of my happy-go-lucky friends could feel like I did, and still smile and goof around all day.

Life started to wear me down, and I started dealing with long spells of deep depression, and I had no idea how to handle it. My family situation was still rough, and I felt like my friends were mostly superficial and fake. I had had a very hard time with a boy who I yo-yo dated in middle school and high school. I had never dealt with a guy who tried so hard to make me jealous, and my emotions were easily pulled down.  The guy I had seen off and on insisted on dating my close friends when we were not together, and loved making moves on them behind my back when we were together. I took it to heart, and felt like there must have been something wrong with me if he felt the need to act like that.

I was always blaming myself for everything, and I felt like people always treated me the way they did because of something I had done. I held everything in because I didn’t feel like I had anyone to share with, or knew anyone who could relate to my problems. I started feeling like I couldn’t handle things anymore, and that’s when I started to cut.

I don’t know why I thought that cutting was the answer, but at the time, I felt like it was a necessary release. I could beat myself up emotionally, but if I cut myself, I could really feel the pain. I think I was so fazed and numbed by life at that point, and it felt like the only way I could connect to something. It didn’t really make sense then, and I think back to it now, I wonder what I was thinking.

Cutting myself didn’t solve any of my problems. In retrospect, I think it made things harder for me. It was just one more hurdle to get over. Cutting didn’t fix the problems I had, or help my emotional pain go away, it didn’t solve anything. If anything, it made me feel worse about myself. It was a bad idea then, and I recommend it to no one, your body is important, you only get one, so you better take care of it. You can’t let people get to you; you can’t let life get to you.

So many people turn to self-abuse like it is a cure, but in reality it only makes the disease worse. You don’t feel any better about yourself, and it eventually makes you feel more depressed.

One of the boys I grew up with was teased like crazy for being different. He once told me he started cutting himself because it made him feel something other than rejection. It wasn’t a good way for him to deal with things, and I didn’t know it then, but his adventures in self-mutilation eventually lead to his suicide. When I learned about his death, I started to really reconsider the way I was harming myself. I didn’t want to die. Sure I had dealt with some very depressing times, but I still had hope that better things were in my future. I immediately stopped cutting myself, and never picked up a blade again.

I wish I could say that was the end of me causing damage to myself, but my adventures in substances were just starting, and I had many miles on the road of addiction. I wish I could have told myself that taking it out on my body was a bad idea, but I had to learn that the hard way.

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Trust Issues~Advice

15 Mar

Dear I Am Not Defined,

There is a huge, complicated back story to my problem. All complications with an ex-boyfriend of mine, who I broke up with six months ago, and his new girlfriend (who used to be one of my best friends) and my (now ex) best friend.
My problem is that I have issues with these people but I can’t talk to them; they don’t want closure. I’m still hung up on the disloyalty of my (now ex) best friend because she lied about me, and spoke about me behind my back. I’ve always told every one of my friends to tell me if they have a problem with me, but instead she went to my ex-boyfriend and ranted to him about how I’ve changed, and how I’m a bad person; how I’ve apparently been talking about him in a bad light. Even though I despise him, I’m not that dishonest.
His new girlfriend got involved with an argument I had with him and now I’m no longer friends with her. I don’t feel like I can trust any of my friends anymore; I fear they’re all fake. What do you propose I should do about it, if anything?
-Trust Issues

 

Dear Trust Issues,

Closure is something I don’t really believe in. Is there really anything that your ex-boyfriend or friend can really say or do to make it better?  I think that you’re chasing down something that doesn’t exist. As hard as it is to know that your friends did this to you, be thankful they showed their true colors. At least you found out this guy was no good, and that your supposed best friend has a blabbering problem.

You don’t need people like this in your life. Create your own closure and write them and this situation off as a lost cause. They can’t really make this better, and you don’t need people like them in your life. It sucks to lose a friend, especially over a guy, but she made the decision to act the way she did, and does not deserve a friend who treats her better.

As for this guy, he shouldn’t have come between the two of you in the first place. It shows poor judgment on his part to get between friends, and to allow his girlfriend into an argument between you and him. He should not involve her in the personal issues the two of you have, and she wasn’t a very good friend for getting involved. It just creates a messy dramatic situation, where the cards feel stacked against you. You are so much better than this, and immature drama like this is beneath you.

It sounds like you make a conscious effort to avoid dramatic backstabbing situations with your friends, and if she had a problem with you, she should have talked to you about it. It was very low of her to take her issues to an ex of yours. He should have come to you as well, if he had an issue, instead of sending his girlfriend. I would just let them go, they can have each other. Stop talking to them, and avoid their drama. You are better off without their antics in your life!

-I Am Not Defined

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Sidetracked

7 Mar

I felt a lot better in high school than I had before, but things were not perfect. It seems like I always had a boyfriend, but my taste in guys was terrible. It seemed like I loved a rebel, and asshole guys were my specialty. I dated a lot of guys who made me feel like I should be doing more with them than kissing, and it made me uncomfortable. It reinforced my feelings that guys only wanted sex.

I couldn’t figure out why I couldn’t find a guy who liked me as I was, and didn’t want to pressure me to be differently, or think differently. I had my friend set me up with a guy once, he was a friend of her boyfriend, and played football for another school in town. He seemed very nice, and I thought he really liked me. We talked for ages and started dating. We got to go out on a double date for Valentine’s Day, and it was the first time I got to go out on a date. It was also the first time I had a solid Valentine.

To say I was excited would be an understatement. I couldn’t find anything good to wear, so I made my dress. I did my hair and make-up as well, a rarity for me. We got to get dinner and go to a movie, but my parents were pretty strict, I had to go home after the movie. When the movie ended, everyone wanted to go over to my friend’s house, but I couldn’t go. The guy just didn’t understand why I wouldn’t go back to my friend’s house with him, and thought that I didn’t want to be with him. I tried my best to explain that my parents said I had to go home after the movie, and left.

The next night we were all supposed to go to a school dance together, and I was really excited about this as well. I talked to my boyfriend that day, and he said he would go to the dance with my friend’s boyfriend, and meet me out front. I got dolled up again, and headed to the dance. When I got there I couldn’t find my friend or our boyfriends. I called my boyfriend, and he told me that his parents wouldn’t let him go. I believed him and called my friend to find out where she was. She told me that they were not coming to the dance; they were going to go bowling instead. I told her what my boyfriend had said about his parents not allowing him to go to the dance, and she told me he had lied. I guess he thought he was getting even with me, and I didn’t hear from him again after that night.

I started rebelling because I felt like one bad thing after another kept happening. I was so tired of dealing with all the negative crap. I was having a hard time handling family issues, and trying to balance social pressure, and my own awkwardness. One day I picked up one of my brothers cigarettes, and thought “people don’t get addicted to these, how stupid”.  I wanted to do something rebellious I guess, so I lit it up. I was instantly in love with the buzz it gave me. I had never felt like that before, and it seemed really nice.

After that first cigarette, I started sneaking out of class with some of my friends who also smoked. We would sneak down to the pool hall by our school, and smoke cigarettes out back. Some of my friends started noticing that I smelled like cigarettes, and I admitted that I smoked. I loved the buzz they gave me, and how cool they made me feel. It felt like empowerment in a stick. Several of my friends got very upset with me about smoking, and lectured me. I didn’t want to hear it, and pretty much blew them off. I lost a lot of friends over the situation, but I didn’t care as much as I should have. I even had one friend tell me she hated me to the depths of her soul, dramatic, but it still didn’t seem to get to me. It was the first time I chose something stupid over my friends. I didn’t want to quit smoking, and loose that buzz, so I let my friends go.

It wasn’t the right decision. I should have cared more about my friends, and that they only cared about my health. This was the beginning of a terrible habit of choosing things that were bad for me, over people who loved me and cared about my well-being. It’s part of the mind of an addict. We don’t care what we do to get there, we just want to make sure we get whatever it is that we are addicted to in the end.  The mind of an addict is a dangerous place, and choosing substances over friends isn’t personal, we are just so wrapped up in our addictions we can’t see properly. I didn’t see it then, I thought it was just cigarettes, and I didn’t really care, but over the years I chose a lot of bad things over some truly great people. I wish I could have told myself then that it wasn’t going to do me any favors, but hindsight is 20/20 isn’t it?

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Depressed~Advice

5 Mar

Dear I Am Not Defined,

Okay, ever since I started on WordPress, I’ve tried to find people and stories to encourage me to keep going in life. For the past few months, I’ve felt absolutely lost. What does that mean? Ever since I found that my will to continue has diminished significantly, it’s been a struggle every day to just do what I need to do. I know I have depression, and I’ve been getting treatment for it for a while…but after 7 years of being diagnosed with it, it has taken a large toll on my mindset. My family has gone through so much emotional hardships since then. We’ve done family therapy, we opened up, and we’ve become closer than ever.

As I get older, I started noticing that my family appears to think that I have this under control. They think I am getting better, that the problems aren’t that major. How am I supposed to tell them that I’ve been relapsing over the past 3 months? I tried talking about things with my friends, but I found only one of them understands completely, and I know she can’t handle everything I tell her because we’re in the same boat.

How can I keep myself from falling back into reclusive habits? I feel like if I tried to tell my family what was wrong, I would get blamed, in some way, for still feeling like this. I’m lost on how to approach this. Could the answer really be right in front of me, and I’m just scared to face it?

-Depressed

Dear Depressed,

You said that you and your family tried therapy, and that it worked really well for you then, so I wonder, have you tried it on your own? Have you talked to a therapist or counselor recently about your relapses? If you haven’t maybe it is time to. It sounds like you’re having hard time handling things on your own, so maybe you need some help right now. If you’re afraid of how your family will handle everything, talk to someone about it. Maybe they can help you find a good way to reach out.

If you really just want to talk to your family members about your situation, then maybe do it in baby steps. Maybe take them aside one at a time, and test the waters. Hint at possibly having some problems, and see how they react. They might surprise you, and be completely understanding. It sounds like your family really cares about you, having gone through such great lengths to get you help. I think you are probably thinking they will react badly, when they will most likely be understanding and try to help.

If it doesn’t go well trying to talk to your family, or they don’t react well when you test the water, maybe seek some support groups. There are a lot of people out there who suffer from depression, and I have no doubt that any search engine can give you numerous links.

If you’re afraid of withdrawing from the people around you, keep yourself from doing so. When you notice that you haven’t been out in a while, don’t be afraid to call up a friend or family member and make plans. The people around you may not understand what you’re going through, but they do still enjoy your company and want to be around you, so use it to your benefit. A good laugh with friends is severely underestimated when it comes to feeling down.

 I truly hope you find someone you can talk to, and don’t sink further into your depression. Remember that there is a light at the end of every tunnel, and no feelings will last forever. You can and will get through this. You have done so for seven years; it’s understandable that you are having a hard time. Everyone needs a break from trying so hard all the time. Just remember what you have in your life to be thankful for, and surround yourself with positive people who make you feel like yourself. I hope things get better!

-I Am Not Defined

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At Peace

26 Feb

High school was something I really had to fight for,  for the first time in my life. I didn’t want to go to the same school as all the people I grew up with, so with a teachers nudging, I tried to get into a local “special” school. I had been in advance classes all my life, and I was lucky enough to have a very caring teacher in middle school, to help me find direction.

I had the same teacher two years in a row for English and Science, she was a very involved teacher, and her classes were always fun. She saw me for the intelligent, but anti-social child that I was, and helped me grow out of my shell. She was very good at finding assignment’s that worked well for each student, and I always picked things up quickly in her classes. In my seventh grade year, she announced that she would be leaving our school, and taking a teaching position at a local high school for advance students. I was very sad to see her go, and unhappy that I wouldn’t get to have her as a teacher anymore. She told me that I was smart enough to go to the school she would be teaching at, and told me to apply when I graduated, and offered to write a recommendation letter for me.

When I graduated from middle school, I applied for the special school, and was denied. My grades were not up to their standards, so they would not be allowing me to attend. I was pissed to say the least; I found my classes boring, and easy. I slacked off because I already knew what my teachers had to say, and my grades reflected it. I talked to my school counselor about it. She and I had become fairly friendly over the years, having been in her office multiple times, for not getting along with other students. She understood my problem, and offered to help me re-apply with her recommendation, and I contacted my old teacher for another recommendation. The school decided that I was at least worth interviewing, and allowed me to come and discuss why I belonged in their school. I must have done well because they accepted me on the spot.

My freshman year in high school was a completely different experience than any other year in school. I was finally in a school with like-minded freaks and geeks, who were all closet nerds. I wasn’t as much of an outcast among them; the school was made entirely of outcast kids from all the local schools. It consisted of kids who were passionate about knowledge in some form or another, and had made the choice to go there. It was a very empowering feeling, not having to dumb down your language, or act a certain way so people wouldn’t judge you.

The school was all about personal accountability, there were no bells; you went to class because you knew it was time, and if you were late it was your fault. There were no hall passes; the students were trusted to do what was required of them. Students didn’t have to lug around backpacks full of books, they all had copies at home and in class, making lockers unnecessary. Sports were not even offered, saving me from the horrors of P.E. Instead students had to spend an amount of hours every semester at the gym, or participating in their chosen athletic activity.

I was very happy there. Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t all sugar and daisies. Every school has bullies, and every school has a popular crowd. The social ladder just wasn’t as high there, and it was much easier for everyone to be themselves. I was able to get away from the nicknames and rumors I had grown up with, and have a bit of a fresh start. I made new friends, and had a decent social circle of fun, silly, lovable people.

So what if some of the less desirable people I grew up happened to go there to right? Remember those “You Could Be So Pretty” girls? How about the guy from “Used”? I had a bit of a hard time because they all went to this school. I felt like I had this huge crowd of popular kids I had to avoid because of some stupid incident that had happened a long time ago. It shouldn’t have held me back, but it did. I was incredibly shy around all of them, and was constantly afraid that I was being judged. Why that mattered, I have no idea, but back then, it seemed like a pretty big deal to me. You shouldn’t let people affect you like that. Who cares if other people judge you, you should be free to be yourself, regardless of other people’s personal opinions. It really makes sense in hindsight, but I guess that’s why we all have these crazy life lessons where you figure out the bigger picture.

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Preferential Husband~Advice

20 Feb

Dear I Am Not Defined,

How do I tell my husband that I’m on the verge of asking for a divorce because of the way he treats the kids? He’s not violent but his attitude is atrocious. He lectures the eldest while the youngest gets away with everything. Nothing my older son does is good enough, and it’s causing him to be depressed to the point he’s said he’s wished he were dead.

 -Preferential Husband

Dear Preferential Husband,

It must be so difficult to deal with your husband when he makes your kids feel like this. Have you tried talking to him about the negative impact it has on your children? I grew up with parents that treat my youngest sibling like he can do no wrong, and it really affected how I looked at the world as a child and even now as an adult.

Do you have any idea why he is so hard on your oldest child? Is he trying to get him to strive for more, and just approaching it the wrong way? Or does he really feel like your kid just doesn’t do anything right or well? Is he easier on your youngest for being the baby of the family? Or is he truly just preferential? I would try talking to him about his reasoning behind how he treats the children. If you feel like you can’t get through to him, or just need help, look into counseling. Maybe you need someone on the outside to help you both asses where you are at, and how you feel about things. No matter what, I would seek help for your oldest. Suicide is not a joke and should be taken seriously.

If he doesn’t have any good answers, or you have already tried talking to him or simply feel like you can’t, maybe you should get the divorce. Just be sure that this is really what you want, and that this is really what is best for you and your family. Before you suggest a divorce I would make sure that you have things in order. Divorces can get ugly and I would hate for you and your children to fall on hard times because you’re trying to get away from a bad situation. Do you have family or friends that you can lean on? Look to your support system for help, and maybe even talk to the people you trust the most before you decide to go through with this, and if you do, talk to them about what you should do next.

There is no happy way to go about a divorce. It is the end of something that was promised for life, but if it truly is a bad situation, you need to get out of it. If you feel that you can discuss a divorce safely with your husband, you should. Approach the situation calmly and rationally. Don’t be insulting, be honest, and don’t hash out things that don’t matter. It’s not a good time to accuse each other of wrong doing, it is simply a time to admit that you can’t do it anymore, and to find the best way to get out of it amicably.

I hope that you can find a good way to deal with your situation, whether it comes down to some deep conversation or divorce. I also hope that you will find someone for your oldest child to talk to. It can be so hard growing up, and feeling like you can do no right in your parents eyes. Get them some help before this situation gets worse. You should also take the time to let your oldest know what an amazing person you think that they are. Make sure to be encouraging and to remind them how much you love them, and commend them when they do well, so they don’t feel like their accomplishment’s go unnoticed. In the end you know what is right for you and your family, and I hope that good things will grow from this situation.

-I Am Not Defined

Authors Note:

Suicide is never the answer. It is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, and will not solve anything. If you or someone you know has had, or are having suicidal thoughts, I encourage you to find someone to talk to. Seek help. You are loved and unique, and the world needs you here. If you don’t think anyone cares, I do. I think the world is made of beautiful, unique, amazing people, and it would be a tragedy to lose anyone to such an unfortunate end.

International Suicide Prevention

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Self Conscious~Advice

13 Feb

Dear I Am Not Defined,

What can you tell someone who’s very self-conscious about the way she looks right now?
I hate the way I look. I’m not skinny, but I’m not fat either. But when I look at myself in the mirror I HATE what I see. Flabs around the stomach, a bit on the arms, on the thighs, chubby face. What makes it worse is that in the past a few people have technically called me overweight or fat directly or indirectly. Just the other day, a guy told me I was wider than my friend, and when it comes to boys, I feel really insecure. I had a few boys tell me I was beautiful online, but I knew that was just because they wanted some action and I wasn’t going to give it. I’m not that type of girl, but it did bring my confidence down a bit. Then the other day, this boy followed me on twitter and we started tweeting each other, and added each other on facebook. We started chatting, and it turned out he went to the same college as me. He then told me that I was really beautiful and something just lit up inside me. I guess I did have a little crush on him, even though I had just started talking to him. I think it was the fact that no guy, a decent one (or so I thought) told me I was beautiful, and I believed it. We started talking about whether we’ve seen each other on campus, and he said that maybe he saw me and asked whether I always wore a blue coat. Because I hate the way I look, I thought he’d get put off too but he still kept being nice to me. So the next day in college, I tried to look for him but I didn’t see him. Then when I came home, without an explanation, he had deleted me off of facebook. I felt like such a fool, and my confidence dropped a LOT. What makes it worse is that I see him everywhere now. I’m not sure whether he sees me or not, but when I walk past him, I don’t even acknowledge him. I just act as if he’s a stranger, but I can’t help noting that I’ve been played, and it hurts. I guess a few of my friends don’t help either. Sometimes they gossip about this one girl and how she’s fat but I don’t think she’s fat, more curvy, but short. They make fun of her weight and it makes me feel really bad because if they think she fat, what do they think of me? I obviously don’t join in, because I have no right to. I was having this talk with my two best friends and they keep saying that I am pretty, and beautiful, and cute, but as much as I want to believe them, I don’t. I want to lose weight and I’m trying to do that right now. It’s not like I eat really badly, I’m just adding more fruits and veggies. I want to change physically, and in a way, I want a genuine guy to tell me honestly how beautiful i look. Guy or girl, I think I just want a person to come up to me and just tell me that I look good for once? Is that selfish of me? I struggle with confidence, and I’m always giving advice to others, which means I keep all my troubles hidden and some days I end up crying because.. it gets to be too much.

-Self Conscious 

Dear Self Conscious,

It sounds like you’re having a really hard time with yourself right now. Guys can be jerks sometimes, and they don’t always think about how their actions will affect other people. I’m sorry some guy treated you like this.

I think you really need to work on being happy with yourself. So what if you see flab in the mirror. Is that flab going to attack? It truly won’t hurt you, just your self-conscience. You’re not defined by what you see in the mirror, it doesn’t reflect who you are, it only shows you what you look like on the outside, your shell. Work on being happy with who you are on the inside, and love for who you are on the outside will follow.

If your friends are upsetting you, talk to them. Tell them how it makes you feel when they talk about other people like that. If they are good friends, they will likely apologize. Girls are mean and tend to attack one another to make themselves feel better, and sometimes it can backfire. I’m sure your friends didn’t think about it because they don’t see you for your size, they see you as the person you are.

You are a beautiful woman, I mean that. Beauty is not defined by size zero fake blonde models, Real beauty comes from the inside. Embrace yourself and your size, there is a man out there that will love your for the shape that you are, and think you are more beautiful than a scrawny girl any day.

Remember that not everyone is nice, and no matter what size you are, people will still find mean things to say. Girls with some meat on their bones get called big or chubby, and skinny girls get called anorexic and scrawny. Not matter what you do there will always be people who feel the need to judge you. Just avoid them and let their comments and actions go. They don’t know the real you anyway, and if this is how they act, you don’t want to get to know them in the first place.

 -I Am Not Defined

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Secret Girlfriend ~Advice

8 Feb

Dear I Am Not Defined,

As your latest post is about looks and how certain people can be mean, this came up to my mind. And as I cannot think of anyone else to discuss this with, I thought, I might as well try to ask you. I am fat… to the point of obese. I am trying, but it seems to be a very slow process of losing weight. Earlier I was very confident about my body, but now, I am very conscious. I think it is because my boyfriend says (I am not sure if it is his way of encouragement, or if he really means it) that he is not ready to be seen in public with me. He even refuses to meet me and says it is better we talk over the phone or the internet till I lose weight. Is this normal? Am I letting him trouble me too mush… because such statements by him are very hurting.

 -Secret Girlfriend

Dear Secret Girlfriend,

No woman should ever be made to feel like her body is holding her back. You are not defined by your size, and any man worth your time would see that. You are amazing because of who you are on the inside, your size does not say anything about the person you are. If this man makes you feel like crap about yourself, then you should really ditch him.

It broke my heart to read that he keeps you a secret. He should be proud to be with you, and proudly parade you around as yourself, not some skewed image of what he expects you to be. I think he may have some problems of his own if he is truly worried about your weight, and he does not act very nice with comments that put you down.  Encouragement should never hurt!

There is going to be some guy out there that sees beyond your size, and loves you for the person that you are. You don’t need some vain man putting his own insecurities on you, and putting you down. A true man will love you for you. Look at your body like it is the cover of a book. You can find some truly amazing books in an array of covers.

To be honest, most men don’t want the anorexic model type anyway. It’s not fun to cuddle with a person who feels like a bag of bones. Most men appreciate real curves, and real women. Who wants to be with someone who is that obsessed about themselves, and focuses all of their energy on body image?

If you’re truly concerned about your weight, be healthy. Look at what a real serving size is, on food packages, cut down on sugary drinks, walk as often as you can, and enjoy yourself. It can get pretty boring running on a treadmill for hours, so pick up a dance game and shake your bum off in the privacy of your home (There are some fun dancing games for the Wii etc.). Just find something that you enjoy doing that gets you up and about, and do more of it! Honestly though, don’t focus so much about your size, it doesn’t define you. Be happy with who you are on the inside, and surround yourself with people who love you for who you are, not who you seem to be. I would personally ditch the guy to; you don’t need someone in your life dragging you down. He is too superficial anyway if he only sees your size when he looks at you. Forget about guys like him; there are real men out there!

 -I Am Not Defined

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Fake

3 Feb

I was awkward before puberty hit in middle school. All of the sudden my chest got huge, and even in my tom-boy clothes, it was pretty obvious. Other kids quickly took notice and made comments. A rumor spread that I stuffed my bra with tissue or something, and that my chest was not real. Terrible nicknames followed taunts and random verbal assaults from kids I did and didn’t know. I somehow offended half of the girls I went to school with my new physique, and they were cruel. Several times they threw tissue at me or balls of paper, and said stupid remarks like “hey this fell out of your shirt”, nothing very original, just your usual teenager crap.

I really pissed the girls off when people started looking at my chest while we changed for P.E. It’s pretty hard to hide fake boobs with your shirt off, so it was pretty obvious that I had the real thing, and was not in fact stuffing my bra. The girls I had that class with must have started talking, because people soon spread the rumor that I had fake breast implants. Seriously? I was all of 12 or 13 and the rumor was about fake boobs? I remember cracking up at that. They must think my parents have a lot of money, or are crazy.

So for a long time I had a hard time in school because I was constantly getting crap about my body. I was pretty sure people liked boobs, so I couldn’t figure out why they were so mean about mine. Other girls got boobs, and they were suddenly more popular, and their boyfriends just got better looking. I must have done something wrong. I didn’t realize at that point, what a calling card your physical traits become. I would be known as the girl with boobs for the rest of my life, real or fake, I wanted to be known for more.

One student was really mean to me about my physical appearance. She always had something terrible to say, and friends who would laugh along while she made fun of me. We had several classes together one year, and I was miserable. She followed me out of P.E. one day, calling after me as I left. I did my best to ignore her and keep walking, but she came up behind me. She threw some tissue at me, and told me I dropped it. I just kept walking and tried to avoid whatever was happening. This seemed to piss her off more, so she decked me from behind. As soon as her fist hit the back of my head, I knew I was going down. I stayed down, and she laughed and walked away.

When I told my parents what happened, they called the school. The school decided that the best thing to do was let it go. She was a student that was having a “hard time” at home, and in school, and her counselor thought that it wouldn’t be healthy for her to be suspended. The school did agree to make sure we wouldn’t have any more classes together, but this wasn’t the last time things didn’t go well between us. I was very frustrated because I felt like the school wasn’t doing anything, but school bullying was a normal part of life at that school. It was in the low-income part of town, so it was a mix of bussed-in kids, and low-income kids. Gang bangers and preps? Yea, pretty much. It wasn’t very functional, but to the schools credit, they had the best teachers in the district.

I was pretty done with people in general at this point. They only hurt me, left me, or set me up for more pain, and I didn’t want much to do with anyone. I was very against drugs and alcohol, after seeing what my brother and grandfather had become. I hated cigarettes too, my foster-brother always smoked, and it smelled so bad. I didn’t have any good or bad outlet, or way of letting my feelings out, so I held them in. I held my feelings in for years, and it made me a very unhappy, cranky, depressed person. I hadn’t found anyone I could really connect with or trust yet, and I felt so alone and miserable.

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 © I Am Not Defined, 2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited.

You Could Be So Pretty

31 Jan

Middle school wasn’t as easy for me as elementary school was. I was capable of getting good grades but I stopped applying myself. I was still somewhat active in school activities, and I was involved in a few clubs. I had a few friends, all awkward like myself.

Several of the kids I grew up with also went to middle school with me, but it wasn’t necessarily a good thing. When popularity became important to many kids, others were left behind. Several of the kids I grew up with were part of the popular crowd, and very quickly created a distance between me. Being associated with an unpopular kid isn’t very socially acceptable in the power struggle known as middle school.

I struggled with kids that made fun of me. I often wore my brother’s hand me down clothes and never acted very girly, so the other girls loved to make fun of my clothing and hair, and lack of any style what-so-ever. It was difficult to feel like I mattered or was worth something. I thought that if so many people said the same mean things, they must be right, and I really was just a loser. I had that mindset for a very long time.

My parents started to get frustrated with me when my grades started slipping. My mom just couldn’t understand why I didn’t work harder. She told me that my life was so easy, and that I needed to stop being lazy. I started feeling like no matter what I did, I wouldn’t impress them, I used to get good grades, and they didn’t care so much then?

Some of the girls who lived on the street were popular, and a year older then I was. I had been friends with them for a while, and we hadn’t gone to school together until then. I went to them and talked about the problems I was having at school and with my family. They told me they would help me, but I couldn’t talk to them at school, or everyone would know they were helping. I was obviously a pretty gullible child, and thought they had a great idea, and would really help me out.

One night the girls decided to doll me up and take me out. I remember them telling me I would be so pretty if I wasn’t so fat. Some friend’s right? I thought it was a compliment and tucked away the fat part for later thought. I let them put make-up on me, and do my hair, it all went really well until we tried to find something I could wear. These girls were tiny, and I had some meat on my bones, so everything they tried to put me in looked terrible. Every time I looked in the mirror packed into one outfit or another, my heart broke a little. I felt huge. I had never felt like there was anything wrong with my body before then. Clearly I was wrong if I couldn’t fit into anything cute right?

I ended up wearing some silly wrap dress that would accommodate my size. We had a fun night in the neighborhood, hanging out with other kids we grew up with. I was just the girl they brought along, that sat quietly out-of-the-way while the popular kids were hanging out. I still felt pretty and I thought I had a good time. It’s funny what you can convince yourself of as a kid.

After the girls made me over that night, I felt like a different person. Not because I looked different on the outside, but because I felt like I was finally starting to see myself. I thought I was a fat, ugly girl, with no friends. For years after this I struggled with image issues, I still do.

I know they probably meant well with their comments, and make over, but it only reminded me how different I was compared to them. I started comparing myself with other people I looked up to, and I felt like I always fell so short. Why couldn’t I be pretty, thin, and have friends too?

I know so many beautiful women who have some serious issues about how they look, or how big they are. It is so sad to think that society helps beautiful people feel validated by putting down people who are different. People come in all shapes and sizes for a reason, and no one should ever make another person feel like they are not just as beautiful as anyone else.

© I Am Not Defined, 2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited.

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