I Felt Ashamed

19 Jan

I once read that nearly 2/3’s of abused children later have drug problems. Is that why I went down that path?

As a child you are supposed to be able to trust the people around you, your family and the people who your parents believe safe enough to be a friend. When that trust is lost a whole new world is exposed. When I was about 7, I was approached by a member of my family. To put it simply, he asked if I wanted to hang out with him, the way he said he “hung out” with some of my friends. As a 7-year-old, I figured if my friends were doing these things, then they  ok, after all, why would a family member do something bad?

I was very wrong, and this was the simple beginning to two years of molestation. For two whole years I snuck around my home with this member of my family, doing things that no child should even know about. Eventually I figured out that what was happening was not right. I told a friend at school that one of my other girlfriends was doing these things, and he told the principal. The principle believed I was saying bad things about another student, so instead of reaching out and trying to get to the root of the situation, I got in trouble. The principal called my parents who were very upset to hear that I was saying such things. I didn’t really understand the situation, and I thought I was in trouble for what I was saying, and did not elaborate on what was really going on.

Eventually things came to an end when this family member was kicked out of our home. I never told my parents what happened. When I was old enough to understand what had happened, I felt too ashamed. I thought “Why did I think this was ok?”, and how weak I was for doing this just because I thought other kids did it. I was also afraid of how my father would look at me, knowing this had happened right under his nose. I felt like I had brought shame to my family.

Eventually as a teenager I did share my experience with a good friend. I was shocked to hear her story, and horrified at how well it mirrored my own. I remember thinking “Oh god, this happens often?” Since then I have met several women with their own stories of abuse, and they are always heartbreaking. I remember how terrifying it was to think that I lived in a world where most of the women I knew had some horror story of past abuse.

This was the beginning of many of the problems I still have today. I think that it was very difficult for me to understand and come to terms with what happened. I sprouted multiple issues because of it, and it made me lose my trust in people.

I think that was when I figured out that the world was not always a good place. Bad things happen to all kinds of people, and life is never fair.


Molestation and rape are never ok. It is never your fault. Someone should never force themselves on another person, and nothing a person can do should ever be considered as “encouraging” rape. I don’t care if you are a kid, a drunk, or an idiot etc, no one deserves to have someone invade their personal space. I encourage anyone who has been raped or abused to tell someone. Tell a friend, a counselor, a family member, anyone. You shouldn’t have to go through that alone. I also encourage you go to the police. Do not let a rapist hold power over you.

© I Am Not Defined, 2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited.

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19 Responses to “I Felt Ashamed”

  1. Plantain Periodicals January 19, 2012 at 12:34 am #

    You are very strong to have shared your story. I pray that you have healed and are able to help other people going through similar situations.

  2. iamnotdefined January 19, 2012 at 2:44 am #

    Thank you. I hope that something positive will come of this!

  3. omgitsjaneth January 21, 2012 at 5:34 am #

    i have read all your blogs. you are such an incredible person with so much light and insight. I applaud you for sharing your story with us. I work with abused children and parents who struggle with addiction/parenting/coping/etc….i love my career. i love knowing that these families are working hard to get back on their feet for their children. i wish you the best in the future and pray that your life is filled with happiness and success : )

  4. iamnotdefined January 21, 2012 at 5:11 pm #

    Thank you so much for taking the time to read my story! And thank you for the work you do helping others! What an amazing job!

  5. ladybrightwings January 29, 2012 at 9:25 pm #

    I love your blog.
    I was molested to from age 2-4. I was also raped twice last year. I know your pain and your struggle and your strength. I know how difficult it is to accept yourself and your innocence after such a thing. You are beautiful and have risen above it. Much love, Lady Brightwings

  6. Weird Wanderer January 30, 2012 at 3:03 pm #

    You are absolutely right, this is not and was not you fault by any stretch of the imagination! I am proud of you for sharing this! It shows you have stronger than the past!

  7. Noel February 5, 2012 at 6:45 am #

    This is a very inspiring post! Thanks for sharing such a personal and delicate topic. No child should go through what you experienced. There should be a page on your blog just on this topic.

  8. legacyhunter February 10, 2012 at 10:46 pm #

    I have read your last two blogs..
    I pray for you that everything will Be settled and that you will have a happy life.
    Forget the past
    Accept the present
    Change the future
    Then smile :)

  9. Christine February 17, 2012 at 7:46 am #

    Oh, can I identify! I was eight when a sister & 17-year-old nephew of my “Dad” came to spend some time. I was totally naive; Mom never talked about such things. Get the picture? And when I finally told my Mom (though I don’t think I got it out very clearly) she said, “Oh, you never should have let him do that!” My fault.

    God was good to me back then; He made HImself my professional help. :) The understanding came through that these acts were wrong of HIM, not ME, and I found freedom by simply forgiving him.

    I was so (mostly verbally) abused by my Dad and was already so insecure it would have destroyed me to go to court & testify, but I do believe there are times when to prevent further abuse this is necessary.

    Bitterness, anger, and guilt don’t destroy the abuser; they destroy the damaged people who carry them. That’s why Jesus invites us to His ways. He can take our burdens and give us peace & healing in their place. (see Matthew 11:28-30) I have found it.

    “Vengeance is mine, saith the Lord; I will repay it.” Romans 12:19 I’ve lived many years since and seen that God does not let these people off the hook. He had a way of executing justice that is often harder and more “fair” than a prison sentence.

    Wishing you Healing & Peace,

  10. justanotherwakeupcall February 19, 2012 at 12:31 am #

    Been reading your blogs today< they are all so honest and straight from the heart. You are right , a lot of women and girls have been abused as children.. many more than we imagine. and somehow all of us go through childhood thinking it was our fault in some way or feeling ashamed. I too believe healing comes through talking, connecting, sharing.. keep writing.. i am sure there are many who are being helped…

  11. GB February 21, 2012 at 1:05 am #

    You are not alone friend. Believe, even small boys are victims. Wish I could narrate my own story!! :-)

  12. jeffssong February 22, 2012 at 5:28 pm #

    Just dropped by and this entry gave me a wry smile. As an abused male I know: it felt ‘normal’. It WAS normal. Everything was. The beatings, the sexual abuse; the shouting, the ‘stuff’. Always the same. Young kids don’t KNOW they’re being abused, and that’s why they often don’t “report it” – because they don’t think anything abnormal is going on. Know that; been there; lived it and breathed it for years. Wrote similar about the same. About how ‘normal’ it was or seemed at the time.

    Good blog, BTW; well written, clear, concise. I can appreciate that. Takes guts to go into the past sometimes. And time and self-forgiveness to get over the shame.

  13. David Halliday February 22, 2012 at 6:24 pm #

    I have 2 daughters and my first duty as a father was to keep them safe. But now they are young women and I can no longer do that. I’m hoping they have the strength to take care of themselves.

  14. Butterfly Jewel February 23, 2012 at 2:29 pm #

    God bless you for sharing your story! I know it took courage and that you have.

  15. paramourinwaiting March 8, 2012 at 1:37 pm #

    Wow. There are tears in my eyes. I couldn’t read the entire post at first but decided to take another shot at it. I’m also a victim of rape (at 13) but I can’t imagine what this must have felt like to a 7 year old. My heart goes out to you. I admire your courage and honesty. Perhaps this will help someone out there to speak their truth also. You’re so brave. You’re still here. That in itself is beautiful.

  16. wrongedandrighted March 10, 2012 at 10:41 am #

    I identify so strongly with this as I too was a victim of family member who sexually abused me for several years. In most cases they are in a position of trust, so their victim, who for the most part has been told their entire life not to trust strangers already has one layer of protection peeled away. I think that they also rely on the shame and guilt of their victim to silence them. In my case it was “our secret” and as I got older and realized just how wrong what had happened was they were right, I was silenced.

    I wholeheartedly agree with you that if someone is a victim, speak up, speak out and even if there are people that doubt what you say, keep on speaking out, eventually someone will hear you. It is not your fault, regardless of the circumstance, you have done nothing wrong.

    Thank you so much for sharing this and hopefully giving other victims the courage to speak out.

  17. My Angel, You Are Loved March 10, 2012 at 6:15 pm #

    Be a zebra. I love that, it’s what made me read on. This is is a very powerful post and as Plantain Periodicals says, “you are very strong to share your story.” I’m am certain that you will help others by being so honest and open. You are using your experiences and creating a place of hope for others. Best, Sarah

  18. The Barefoot Pianist March 10, 2012 at 11:59 pm #

    Thank you for sharing and bringing awareness to such a delicate topic, your strength and honesty is truely an inspiration. Too often this ‘business’ gets buried under denial, shame and guilt. Thank you again.

  19. kayglassauthor March 15, 2012 at 3:09 pm #

    Congratulations to you for finding the strength to talk about your experiences. It’s nothing to be ashamed of, but those are just words, I know. It’s hard to believe you were ever “so stupid” or any other hundred nasty comments we make to ourselves when we find ourselves as victims. I hope this blog reaches the screen of those in need, those who have suffered in the past or those who are suffering now. Very powerful- and I loved the note at the bottom. If you haven’t found internal peace and closure yet, I pray you do very soon.

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