3 Feb

I was awkward before puberty hit in middle school. All of the sudden my chest got huge, and even in my tom-boy clothes, it was pretty obvious. Other kids quickly took notice and made comments. A rumor spread that I stuffed my bra with tissue or something, and that my chest was not real. Terrible nicknames followed taunts and random verbal assaults from kids I did and didn’t know. I somehow offended half of the girls I went to school with my new physique, and they were cruel. Several times they threw tissue at me or balls of paper, and said stupid remarks like “hey this fell out of your shirt”, nothing very original, just your usual teenager crap.

I really pissed the girls off when people started looking at my chest while we changed for P.E. It’s pretty hard to hide fake boobs with your shirt off, so it was pretty obvious that I had the real thing, and was not in fact stuffing my bra. The girls I had that class with must have started talking, because people soon spread the rumor that I had fake breast implants. Seriously? I was all of 12 or 13 and the rumor was about fake boobs? I remember cracking up at that. They must think my parents have a lot of money, or are crazy.

So for a long time I had a hard time in school because I was constantly getting crap about my body. I was pretty sure people liked boobs, so I couldn’t figure out why they were so mean about mine. Other girls got boobs, and they were suddenly more popular, and their boyfriends just got better looking. I must have done something wrong. I didn’t realize at that point, what a calling card your physical traits become. I would be known as the girl with boobs for the rest of my life, real or fake, I wanted to be known for more.

One student was really mean to me about my physical appearance. She always had something terrible to say, and friends who would laugh along while she made fun of me. We had several classes together one year, and I was miserable. She followed me out of P.E. one day, calling after me as I left. I did my best to ignore her and keep walking, but she came up behind me. She threw some tissue at me, and told me I dropped it. I just kept walking and tried to avoid whatever was happening. This seemed to piss her off more, so she decked me from behind. As soon as her fist hit the back of my head, I knew I was going down. I stayed down, and she laughed and walked away.

When I told my parents what happened, they called the school. The school decided that the best thing to do was let it go. She was a student that was having a “hard time” at home, and in school, and her counselor thought that it wouldn’t be healthy for her to be suspended. The school did agree to make sure we wouldn’t have any more classes together, but this wasn’t the last time things didn’t go well between us. I was very frustrated because I felt like the school wasn’t doing anything, but school bullying was a normal part of life at that school. It was in the low-income part of town, so it was a mix of bussed-in kids, and low-income kids. Gang bangers and preps? Yea, pretty much. It wasn’t very functional, but to the schools credit, they had the best teachers in the district.

I was pretty done with people in general at this point. They only hurt me, left me, or set me up for more pain, and I didn’t want much to do with anyone. I was very against drugs and alcohol, after seeing what my brother and grandfather had become. I hated cigarettes too, my foster-brother always smoked, and it smelled so bad. I didn’t have any good or bad outlet, or way of letting my feelings out, so I held them in. I held my feelings in for years, and it made me a very unhappy, cranky, depressed person. I hadn’t found anyone I could really connect with or trust yet, and I felt so alone and miserable.

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 © I Am Not Defined, 2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited.


36 Responses to “Fake”

  1. The Rev. Deirdre Whitfield February 6, 2012 at 1:13 pm #

    This post reminded me that middle school years were the absolute worse time of my life and every other year else ran a close second. I couldn’t wait to get out of school for good. Thanks because it also reminded me that God is good. I survived.

  2. nanaamaakpoblu February 6, 2012 at 4:36 pm #

    Really sorry you have to go through all that.
    You in a better position now because you have shared this awful experience with us and that in itself is a healing process.
    Stay strong because you are a survivor.
    Remain blessed.

  3. Angie W. February 6, 2012 at 5:15 pm #

    I think middle school in general, kids are so cruel! It is such an awkward age and everyone trying to fit in with a bunch of kids their own age. I hope I am raising my children to be a good friend to the friendless and to discourage that kind of behavior and do the right thing!

  4. truewomanifesto February 6, 2012 at 10:38 pm #

    This is pretty similar to what I went through in middle school when I seemed to “blossom” overnight. I still get a lot of stares and comment about my body and people can’t understand why I wouldn’t just take it as a compliment. They have no idea what it’s like….

  5. SkiDaddy February 7, 2012 at 2:18 pm #

    My wife works in the school system and has lots of stories, not all good unfortunately. It’s a time when kids in Junior High or middle school can be running rampant with hormones oozing from every pore. Unfortunately those same hormones and common sense don’t go hand in hand, and often cruelty results. Seems like you are stronger for it, stay strong.

  6. Steven A. Dunn February 7, 2012 at 6:18 pm #

    I remember mocking a girl in junior high for having small breasts, yet I actually liked her. It was all peer pressure.

    Now that I’m an adult I think the best way to overcome residual shame about our bodies is love and physical intimacy. The shame of being teased strikes so deeply because it occurs at such a crucial stage in our development and we consequently can’t just intellectually convince ourselves that we’re attractive – we have to be found attractive by someone we care about.

  7. apronheadlilly February 8, 2012 at 1:12 pm #

    Quite a story. Bullying should never be tolerated!

  8. jayrain February 8, 2012 at 2:01 pm #

    Excellent thoughts here, and I completely relate. I was the girl with boobs in junior high. We did trust falls once and I got dropped on my head because, as one boy said, I was “Top heavy”.

    I had reduction surgery for medical reasons a few years back, but the experience still sticks with me. Kids can be so cruel, and undoing the damage can take time. Thanks for sharing this.

  9. Rayme Wells @ A Clean Surface February 8, 2012 at 3:03 pm #

    I am shocked at the school’s “let it go” approach. I understand their view that a suspension would be unhelpful in that case, but what about a meeting with both families and a counselor? Any attempt to resolve the situation, even if it ultimately failed, would have given you the message that the school cared, and that you were important, which is the most important message.

  10. katygirlsworld February 24, 2012 at 11:11 am #

    I understand how you feel. I too developed early and was often picked on about it. I was never in girl fights because of it thankfully, but often got groped by boys just walking down the hall. (This was long time ago before hugging was considered sexual harassment at school). My ‘friends’ would say I couldn’t do gymnastics because my boobs were too big. Later in my twenties, I found great pleasure when I found out one of those girls was now a stripper and had gotten breast implants. She had to pay for what I already had. So the girls act that way because they are jealous. It is just too bad that our self-esteems have to suffer because of theirs. People are so cruel in school, but once you get into the adult world, there are actually good people out there so don’t give up on them all. I hope you find a hobby or outlet that makes you feel great!

    • selenalore March 2, 2012 at 4:05 pm #

      I don’t know where this will be posted, but yeah I’ve been there and done that. I didn’t get really bullied until I hit middle school. I was 9 when I started to develop or had already developed.

      One of my ex-boyfriends, yes kids had that back then lol, said some horrible stuff. That he’d got me pregnant, and I’m like what!? I’m 9 and I didn’t lose my virginity until I was 21.

      Come to find out it was because I was far more developed and had gained a little more weight with the rest of my developing body, but thankfully it never to to the point that the kids were beating on me like it posted above. It was all verbal bullying. I posted about that recently on my own blog :).

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