23 Feb

Authors Note: I appreciate everyone who takes the time to seek advice here. Without you, I couldn’t keep this going, and I am so grateful! It has been so amazing to see everyone put their two cents in, and I feel like we have really started something interesting here! Thank you everyone for your supportive and thoughtful comments and advice for all the participants! If you’d like to get some advice of your own, don’t forget to head to the Advice Section! Thanks!

Dear I Am Not Defined,

My ex-boyfriend and i were together for four years when we broke up last year in January, when he suddenly decided we weren’t meant for each other. We go to the same church, so basically getting over a break up was hard, I would always see him. In December we met again, and he told me he found out he had a son and he had that son when we were dating (basically, he was cheating on me). He told me he loved and wanted us to get back together. We talked for a while, but now he isn’t calling anymore. Should I move on, should I just assume this is it? Did he just want to use me and play with my emotions? How do I move on from him when I see him every Sunday? There is also another girl in the church, and I feel like they are going out but he denies it even though the girl acts as if they are. Should I just back off?


Dear Complicated,

Getting over a break up is always difficult, especially when the relationship lasted four years. Having to go to church with the guy seems very difficult! I know it must be so hard seeing him, but maybe it is time for you to let it go. He obviously didn’t respect you enough when you were together, if he was out having a child with someone else. He had to cheat on you to get that baby, and that is not fair to you. If he didn’t treat you right in the first place, I don’t think he will treat you right now. It also sounds like he may be leading on another girl, or even dating her. Either way she obviously thinks something is going on between them, I doubt she made up some connection out of the air.

I would be wary of any man who cheated before. In my experience, if he doesn’t treat you right the first time around, it’s never going to get better. I have gone back to the same person time and time again, hoping things would get better, and I only got hurt worse in the end. Give yourself the foot up, and steer clear of this toxic guy. ]

If you have to go to the same church, stay away from him. If it means you have to sit in the back because he is up front, do it. If you’re not around him, he can’t reach you with his drama. If your church offers more than one service, consider attending a different one. If it is just too hard on you to see him, try going to church with a friend who goes to a different one, until you feel like you’re up to seeing him.

If you still talk to him, you should stop. It sounds like he is pretty good at getting to you emotionally, and he will probably try to pull on your heart-strings when he realizes that he no longer holds some power over you. Be there for yourself and steer clear of him. You don’t need someone in your life that hurts you, and leaves you feeling clueless and confused!

You don’t have to go hunt down another guy to help you get over this one, just enjoy being yourself, independent and happy, and in time you will meet someone who gives you the respect and attention you deserve, and doesn’t toy with your emotions or cheat. You’re an amazing woman and no one deserves to be cheated on or screwed with!

-I Am Not Defined

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30 Responses to “Complicated~Advice”

  1. chicpencil February 25, 2012 at 11:39 pm #

    i couldn’t agree more! like the people here has been shouting -> ‘been there done that!’. Ms. Complicated deserves someone better…

  2. Erica February 26, 2012 at 12:01 am #

    I saw a video on youtube that was labeled something to the effect of “How To Be Alone”… I’d reccomend looking it up. It definitely helps with perspective.

  3. itssoprettydownhere February 26, 2012 at 3:52 am #

    Excellent advice. It is hard to get over someone when you still have to see them, so minimizing contact is key.
    My favorite part was the end: “You don’t have to go hunt down another guy to help you get over this one, just enjoy being yourself, independent and happy”
    I ended an engagment last year when I found he was cheating. It was difficult, painful, scary, and heartbreaking. I chose to heal on my own and I have really found myself. I gain strength from my independence and confidence because I provide for myself.
    I wish every one would take time to be alone with themselves.

  4. Mark Ketchum February 26, 2012 at 7:04 am #

    What kind of Church is this that you attend? One that does nothing (if this is the case) in regards to a boy who is out getting women pregnant? Are they holding him accountable? It seems more like a boys and girls club than a real church. I would move on and find yourself a real Godly man instead of a juvenile.

    • Sandister Tei February 27, 2012 at 12:38 am #

      Yep I was wondering the same. Wat kind of church?

  5. jennschmitt February 26, 2012 at 5:15 pm #

    I’ve been in the same situation. The guy cheated on me with my roommate, and although we tried to make it work, he eventually broke up with me. The hardest part was still seeing him in the same clubs and classes every day (especially once he got a new girlfriend). The process of healing started when I started trusting God with what was happening, when I gave myself as much distance as possible, and when I realized my ex was no longer the man I thought he was.

    My prayer is that you find peace, and after that, you learn to love yourself the way God does. I especially agree with the advice to stay single for a while. You don’t have to, but that’s what saved me from getting back into ill-chosen relationships when I was emotionally needy and vulnerable. Discover yourself more, and like granbee said, find a new hobby to fill up your thoughts and time.

  6. The FaithBook February 28, 2012 at 8:30 am #

    To our complicated girl:

    Breaking up IS very hard to do but after reading about the child incident, be thankful you were spared—from this guy anyway.

    Cheating is one of the worst things that can happen in a relationship, and if he carried this on while dating, he could have easily done so through a more permanent relationship. This would utter crush me and i can only imagine how you would feel. Yet you have been spared from this guy (even after four years).

    Seeing him in church, etc., will undoubtedly be difficult, and i would advise that you seek a leader in your church you trust to help you walk through the pain (not necessarily a best friend who you know will side with you, but someone who will see the big picture and help you get through it.)

    Despite the pain you’re feeling now, there is someone BETTER for you. Someone especially resevered for you and you alone.

    Keep faithful to your church and to the people close to you—those who live their lives right and love you, and that special guy will find you when both of you are ready.

    The Faithbook

  7. xoxo bb February 28, 2012 at 4:29 pm #

    Complicated, definitely take I Am Not Defined’s advice…it’s everything I would have said to you. The only thing to add is to hand him a copy of the Bible and tell him you think he should read it. haha….Well, you could….basically I am flaberghasted that this guy is going to church and lying to you…that seems two-faced…doesn’t he practice what he preaches. But let me tell you, to come in my Part 2, you will see I’ve had an experience somewhat similar….although he didn’t cheat on me….but you will see…and it was heart-wrenching. This guy is bad news. Stay far away from him. You’ll be thanking yourself in the future. Trust me. xoxo BB

  8. Bit O' Sweets March 5, 2012 at 10:48 pm #

    The last paragraph was sound advise.

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