Things started getting very difficult for me when I started questioning my mind. I wondered if everyone else felt as depressed and unhappy in life as I did. I seriously doubted all of my happy-go-lucky friends could feel like I did, and still smile and goof around all day.
Life started to wear me down, and I started dealing with long spells of deep depression, and I had no idea how to handle it. My family situation was still rough, and I felt like my friends were mostly superficial and fake. I had had a very hard time with a boy who I yo-yo dated in middle school and high school. I had never dealt with a guy who tried so hard to make me jealous, and my emotions were easily pulled down. The guy I had seen off and on insisted on dating my close friends when we were not together, and loved making moves on them behind my back when we were together. I took it to heart, and felt like there must have been something wrong with me if he felt the need to act like that.
I was always blaming myself for everything, and I felt like people always treated me the way they did because of something I had done. I held everything in because I didn’t feel like I had anyone to share with, or knew anyone who could relate to my problems. I started feeling like I couldn’t handle things anymore, and that’s when I started to cut.
I don’t know why I thought that cutting was the answer, but at the time, I felt like it was a necessary release. I could beat myself up emotionally, but if I cut myself, I could really feel the pain. I think I was so fazed and numbed by life at that point, and it felt like the only way I could connect to something. It didn’t really make sense then, and I think back to it now, I wonder what I was thinking.
Cutting myself didn’t solve any of my problems. In retrospect, I think it made things harder for me. It was just one more hurdle to get over. Cutting didn’t fix the problems I had, or help my emotional pain go away, it didn’t solve anything. If anything, it made me feel worse about myself. It was a bad idea then, and I recommend it to no one, your body is important, you only get one, so you better take care of it. You can’t let people get to you; you can’t let life get to you.
So many people turn to self-abuse like it is a cure, but in reality it only makes the disease worse. You don’t feel any better about yourself, and it eventually makes you feel more depressed.
One of the boys I grew up with was teased like crazy for being different. He once told me he started cutting himself because it made him feel something other than rejection. It wasn’t a good way for him to deal with things, and I didn’t know it then, but his adventures in self-mutilation eventually lead to his suicide. When I learned about his death, I started to really reconsider the way I was harming myself. I didn’t want to die. Sure I had dealt with some very depressing times, but I still had hope that better things were in my future. I immediately stopped cutting myself, and never picked up a blade again.
I wish I could say that was the end of me causing damage to myself, but my adventures in substances were just starting, and I had many miles on the road of addiction. I wish I could have told myself that taking it out on my body was a bad idea, but I had to learn that the hard way.
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I Am Not Defined 
I think anything you say about your inequities and under-confidence is shattered by this blog post, shows true bravery to allow people you don’t know to see the most vulnerable side of you. I know that I would certainly struggle to do that.
You’ll always have good days and bad days, especially when dealing with depression and a psychosis (trust me), but just as life can surprise you by being unbelievably shit, it can also never fail to show its true beauty and geniality, usually when you least expect it.
Dear Iamnotdefined,
I don’t know whether I can add anything that will ease the darkness of your depression; it appears from the long list of mostly positive comments that you are not alone in your feelings. Many of us lay along the spectrum from a little blue to mind-numbing sadness to outright impenetrable depression. As someone who has ridden that roller coaster many, many times, I am very sorry that you have felt such depths.
Here is what seems to help me: the Buddhists believe that sadness is simply the opposite of joy and that suffering is as much a part of life as bliss. All situations are temporary. Struggles in life are no more permanent than say, ice cream on a hot day. The challenges we face will melt away too. That is not to say that bad things will not happen or that we will be unaffected by bad things, say when a boyfriend deliberately goes out behind your back and dates one of your friends. If you are human and at all empathetic and feeling, you WILL be affected by your experiences. Yet, they are all temporary. The Buddhists say that it is not what happens to us in life that hurts us, it is our reactions to what happens to us that causes our misery. You cannot stop your boyfriend from deliberately acting like an asshole, but you can minimize the pain you feel by deciding that he is going to do what he is going to do and you are not going to react the same way you have in the past. Give it 10 minutes to feel pissed, sad, hurt. And then move on. My therapist, a Bu-Jew, taught me the art of the Pause. That is, whenever I feel great anger or sadness and feel like reacting immediately to stop the hurt, I stop myself and take a breath. I can think about what it is I am feeling, look at it from all anglers, turn it over and instead of asking, for example, why is this person deliberately hurting me, I can ask, “What can I learn from this?” or better yet, “What is my hurt/anger/sadness trying to teach me in this moment?” By pausing, I can RESPOND the way I want to rather than REACT the way I always have. Responding is more thoughtful and always under my control and in my best interests. Reacting is rarely in my best interests.
Life is full of challenges, yet that is what they are. We are on a path, a long, winding, at times confusing, and unknown path. We are always moving and growing. You can practice controlling your feelings about things at any time. Allow yourself the space to be upset or hurt when something bad happens, but don’t stay there. Ask yourself, what is the intention of your feeling, what is it trying to teach you, and move forward.
You are obviously thoughtful, aware and feeling. Be gentle with yourself. You are not perfect but you have value. My sixth grade teacher tried to teach me how to get the most out of every single moment. He said if I looked only ahead I would miss the flowers at my feet. And if I only glanced behind–as in reliving the past–I would miss the beautiful sky. He said,”Groove on the step you are now taking.”
I hope you can do that too.
Be well.
Thank you for your honest and transparent post – many people need to know they are not alone in feeling that way. I pray you continue to find victory over the things you battle and continue to be voice for those in the middle of the fight.
For many years I had prayed for death almost on a daily basis. I never considered actually carrying out the act of doing away with myself, but I did feel like I was a bane to the existence to the ones I had cherished most in life. Every day, though, I had many experiences that reached out to me, it seemed. It was like the story of the man that wished he were dead, and a guardian angel showed him what the lives of the ones he touched would have been like without his presence. I have observed and continue to observe how so many are going through so many things, that are so difficult to bear, and they keep on going with an admirable attitude. When I compare my life to the glimpses I am so lovingly given of the lives of others, I have to admit that my life is wonderful. The source of my sadness abides in my heart as it does in real life. It is a very specific problem that does not have a clear solution, but for time. I, however, have been empowered by the days gone by to temper this with the wonderfulness that is given to me every day. In fact these things are slowly starting to creep into my heart and be a part of me so much so that I want to be better. I want to be a better son, a better father, a better friend to my wife, and a better friend to my friends. Thanks for sharing your heart with us.
Thanks for writing this, it must have been terrible. One thing to do is to find reasons to be happy, try to focus on things that you like. I have a cousin who used to cut herself, it got out of control very quickly.
I feel the same way on some of the same issue’s you do.. Except I am not having the same kind of girl problems as your guy problems but I feel your heart break
Amazing post. I’ve been where you are, except for the cutting…please don’t do that any more. I’ve suffered chonic severe depression for 35 years. I’m still on high doses of anti depressants. If it weren’t for the drugs I probably would not have lived to my current age of 51.
You are so incredibly brave to share your experiences. By doing so you will help so many. I admire you tremendously. Stay true to yourself, you have a big heart and good soul.
I used to make small cuts on my wrist when I felt sad after arguments with an old boyfriend / fiancee. It was an action to further express my disdain of self in the relationship and unhappiness. It takes time and personal growth to learn to love yourself, but it will happen :)
I solved my depression by becoming a great juvenile delinquent. I did everything except murder. Fortunately, I grew out of it by the time I was an adult. Mostly through music and simply keeping my hands and mind busy so that they didn’t have time for depression.
I think it’s pretty easy to turn to self-destructive behavior when life is feeling unbearable. I can absolutely relate to this post.