An Interview with IAND

Hello to everyone out there in the land of the Undefined,

I thought it would be a nice change of things to do an interview with a fellow blogger! The author of Thoughtful Thoughts approached me with the idea, and I thought it would be a lot of fun. I used the pseudonym Molly, so the interview she did with a woman named Molly is IAND. I really enjoyed being interviewed and I hope you find it interesting!

The first ever Interview with I Am Not Defined!

Until next time folks!

I Am Not Defined

Advice   Help   Twitter   Facebook

© I Am Not Defined, 2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited.

Advertisement

Desperate~Advice

Dear I Am Not Defined,
The thing is, I really like a boy since about two years ago. I don’t want to like him, I tried to talk to him (but everybody says I didn’t. Maybe I just don’t know the way to talk to him because I think he’s too special to talk with a girl like me. I guess he doesn’t like me a bit, in fact, I do believe he hates me. Two years have passed, and I can’t go out with anyone else because I just can’t stop loving him. I’m afraid it won’t be over. Right now, I just want to let him go, but I don’t know how, I can’t stop thinking about him and because of that, I consider myself pretty weird. I don’t like being weird.
– Desperate

 

Dear Desperate,

I just want you to know that no guy is any more special then you are. You need to stop looking at him like he is someone better than you. It simply isn’t true. You as yourself are great, and you are just as valuable as any other person.

I can understand that you’re having problems with your crush on this guy. It sounds like it may be your first big crush, and that is always the hardest to get over. If you do not want to approach this guy, and try to make a go of it, then it is time to let him go. There is no special answer I can give you that will make you stop caring. You will have to make an attempt every day to see him as a regular person, who holds no power over you.

If all you can do is think about him, it’s time to re-train your brain to think about other things. Maybe you need to throw yourself into school work, or pick up a hobby. You will be even better off if you find something new to keep you busy that involves other people. Maybe you will meet someone else who you consider special enough for your attention.

I think it will also help if you figure out why this guy has a special hold on you. What is it that makes him seem so irresistible to you? Maybe you need to focus on what you don’t like about him, or focus on why you don’t want to be with him. If you truly don’t want him, you will get over it. It just takes time. There is no way to speed up the process of getting over someone, trust me, if there were, girls everywhere would be spared.

-I Am Not Defined

Twitter   Facebook   Advice    Help

© I Am Not Defined, 2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited.

Depressed

Things started getting very difficult for me when I started questioning my mind. I wondered if everyone else felt as depressed and unhappy in life as I did. I seriously doubted all of my happy-go-lucky friends could feel like I did, and still smile and goof around all day.

Life started to wear me down, and I started dealing with long spells of deep depression, and I had no idea how to handle it. My family situation was still rough, and I felt like my friends were mostly superficial and fake. I had had a very hard time with a boy who I yo-yo dated in middle school and high school. I had never dealt with a guy who tried so hard to make me jealous, and my emotions were easily pulled down.  The guy I had seen off and on insisted on dating my close friends when we were not together, and loved making moves on them behind my back when we were together. I took it to heart, and felt like there must have been something wrong with me if he felt the need to act like that.

I was always blaming myself for everything, and I felt like people always treated me the way they did because of something I had done. I held everything in because I didn’t feel like I had anyone to share with, or knew anyone who could relate to my problems. I started feeling like I couldn’t handle things anymore, and that’s when I started to cut.

I don’t know why I thought that cutting was the answer, but at the time, I felt like it was a necessary release. I could beat myself up emotionally, but if I cut myself, I could really feel the pain. I think I was so fazed and numbed by life at that point, and it felt like the only way I could connect to something. It didn’t really make sense then, and I think back to it now, I wonder what I was thinking.

Cutting myself didn’t solve any of my problems. In retrospect, I think it made things harder for me. It was just one more hurdle to get over. Cutting didn’t fix the problems I had, or help my emotional pain go away, it didn’t solve anything. If anything, it made me feel worse about myself. It was a bad idea then, and I recommend it to no one, your body is important, you only get one, so you better take care of it. You can’t let people get to you; you can’t let life get to you.

So many people turn to self-abuse like it is a cure, but in reality it only makes the disease worse. You don’t feel any better about yourself, and it eventually makes you feel more depressed.

One of the boys I grew up with was teased like crazy for being different. He once told me he started cutting himself because it made him feel something other than rejection. It wasn’t a good way for him to deal with things, and I didn’t know it then, but his adventures in self-mutilation eventually lead to his suicide. When I learned about his death, I started to really reconsider the way I was harming myself. I didn’t want to die. Sure I had dealt with some very depressing times, but I still had hope that better things were in my future. I immediately stopped cutting myself, and never picked up a blade again.

I wish I could say that was the end of me causing damage to myself, but my adventures in substances were just starting, and I had many miles on the road of addiction. I wish I could have told myself that taking it out on my body was a bad idea, but I had to learn that the hard way.

Facebook   Twitter   Advice

 © I Am Not Defined, 2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited.

Awkward~Advice

Dear I Am Not Defined

I feel like I don’t belong in my group of friends at school. I don’t have that “label” that people have for other people, such as: the friend that always gives good advice, the friend who always makes me laugh, the friend who never makes a moment awkward, the friend who has the best fashion and I love to shop with, etc. I don’t fit in the categories that my friends want me to be in.

I just don’t understand, all my friends are nice to me at school and school activities. I am social and talkative, but I never actually hang out with anyone. They never invite me to anything, and I am not sure why.

But I am also paranoid to ever hang out with one of my friends one-on-one. I don’t know why, but I am. I am scared of being awkward or not good enough or funny enough, and it really bothers me. I am scared that they like me, but find everyone else and their other friends way more appealing and more fun to hang out with. This also translates into my dating life, which is non-existent. I am so scared that I can’t go on real dates because I will be too awkward.

I don’t know, but I am tired of being lonely and awkward.

-Awkward

 

Dear Awkward,

Is it possible that you project your insecurities onto your attitude around your friends? Maybe they don’t invite you out because you don’t seem into it. Maybe your friends see your fear of being awkward as a standoffish attitude. Simply put, maybe they don’t invite you out because you don’t act like it would be interesting to you.

 Instead of worrying about how you could act or what you could do, let go and relax. Just be. You don’t have to be labeled as one thing or another. You are you, and that is plenty. You do not have to be any type of person for your friends to like you. They are your friends and they like you because you are awkward and undefinable. You don’t have to give great advice, or have perfect fashion sense to be a good friend, or to be liked by your friends. They obviously see something in you that you don’t see; maybe you’re just a good friend in an unconventional way. It doesn’t matter; you should be liked for being the person you are, not because you fit into some cliché category that doesn’t mean anything in the long run.

If you want to do more things with your friends, make the effort. Have you ever tried inviting one of them to do something? Maybe they don’t invite you to do things because you don’t ever try to do things with them. People make assumptions, it happens, whether it’s true or not. I am sure your friends would be more than willing to do more if you simply tried to do more with them. Who cares if your awkward, that is just part of who you are, embrace it. I know a lot of guys who love awkward, clumsy, shy, quiet, odd girls. Not everyone wants the girl who has the best outfit, or fills every awkward pause. Most guys want a real girl, odd character traits and all. You have nothing to be insecure about, who cares what people think of you, what matters is what you think of yourself.

Don’t be so hard on yourself. I have no doubt that most of your friends feel awkward in social situations as well. They just may not show it in the same way. I know I always worry if I’m talking too much, or laughing weird, and most of the women I know worry about similar silly things. Who cares if you say the wrong thing, or trip over your own feet, you’re a real person, and no one is perfect all the time, we all say and do things we wish we hadn’t. Give yourself the freedom to just be, you don’t have to worry about every little thing, if you do, you’re going to miss the awesome things happening in front of you. If you worry less, you will enjoy yourself more, and if you put yourself out there a bit, you will likely find your friends willing to do more. Guys will come, and the right one won’t care if your awkward, he will like you for all that you are, and are not. Just don’t miss him because you’re stressing about what to say or do!

-I Am Not Defined

Get Advice from IAND

Check us out on Facebook or Twitter!

© I Am Not Defined, 2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited.

Sidetracked

I felt a lot better in high school than I had before, but things were not perfect. It seems like I always had a boyfriend, but my taste in guys was terrible. It seemed like I loved a rebel, and asshole guys were my specialty. I dated a lot of guys who made me feel like I should be doing more with them than kissing, and it made me uncomfortable. It reinforced my feelings that guys only wanted sex.

I couldn’t figure out why I couldn’t find a guy who liked me as I was, and didn’t want to pressure me to be differently, or think differently. I had my friend set me up with a guy once, he was a friend of her boyfriend, and played football for another school in town. He seemed very nice, and I thought he really liked me. We talked for ages and started dating. We got to go out on a double date for Valentine’s Day, and it was the first time I got to go out on a date. It was also the first time I had a solid Valentine.

To say I was excited would be an understatement. I couldn’t find anything good to wear, so I made my dress. I did my hair and make-up as well, a rarity for me. We got to get dinner and go to a movie, but my parents were pretty strict, I had to go home after the movie. When the movie ended, everyone wanted to go over to my friend’s house, but I couldn’t go. The guy just didn’t understand why I wouldn’t go back to my friend’s house with him, and thought that I didn’t want to be with him. I tried my best to explain that my parents said I had to go home after the movie, and left.

The next night we were all supposed to go to a school dance together, and I was really excited about this as well. I talked to my boyfriend that day, and he said he would go to the dance with my friend’s boyfriend, and meet me out front. I got dolled up again, and headed to the dance. When I got there I couldn’t find my friend or our boyfriends. I called my boyfriend, and he told me that his parents wouldn’t let him go. I believed him and called my friend to find out where she was. She told me that they were not coming to the dance; they were going to go bowling instead. I told her what my boyfriend had said about his parents not allowing him to go to the dance, and she told me he had lied. I guess he thought he was getting even with me, and I didn’t hear from him again after that night.

I started rebelling because I felt like one bad thing after another kept happening. I was so tired of dealing with all the negative crap. I was having a hard time handling family issues, and trying to balance social pressure, and my own awkwardness. One day I picked up one of my brothers cigarettes, and thought “people don’t get addicted to these, how stupid”.  I wanted to do something rebellious I guess, so I lit it up. I was instantly in love with the buzz it gave me. I had never felt like that before, and it seemed really nice.

After that first cigarette, I started sneaking out of class with some of my friends who also smoked. We would sneak down to the pool hall by our school, and smoke cigarettes out back. Some of my friends started noticing that I smelled like cigarettes, and I admitted that I smoked. I loved the buzz they gave me, and how cool they made me feel. It felt like empowerment in a stick. Several of my friends got very upset with me about smoking, and lectured me. I didn’t want to hear it, and pretty much blew them off. I lost a lot of friends over the situation, but I didn’t care as much as I should have. I even had one friend tell me she hated me to the depths of her soul, dramatic, but it still didn’t seem to get to me. It was the first time I chose something stupid over my friends. I didn’t want to quit smoking, and loose that buzz, so I let my friends go.

It wasn’t the right decision. I should have cared more about my friends, and that they only cared about my health. This was the beginning of a terrible habit of choosing things that were bad for me, over people who loved me and cared about my well-being. It’s part of the mind of an addict. We don’t care what we do to get there, we just want to make sure we get whatever it is that we are addicted to in the end.  The mind of an addict is a dangerous place, and choosing substances over friends isn’t personal, we are just so wrapped up in our addictions we can’t see properly. I didn’t see it then, I thought it was just cigarettes, and I didn’t really care, but over the years I chose a lot of bad things over some truly great people. I wish I could have told myself then that it wasn’t going to do me any favors, but hindsight is 20/20 isn’t it?

 Follow IAND on Facebook or Twitter @IAMNOTDEFINEDwp

Get Advice from IAND!

© I Am Not Defined, 2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited.

Books or Boys~Advice

Dear I Am Not Defined,

I know that my problems probably aren’t on the top of your list to answer, but I’d really like some straight up advice. People may dismiss it as typical high school drama – and I know I may too in a few years, but right now, it seems pretty real to me. How do you really know whether to choose to be together with a boy or to stay alone? Let me put everything in perspective first – I’m only fifteen. Before you jump to any conclusions… here’s my case:
I’m at the point of my life where school is extremely important – and any distractions may have repercussions lasting a long time. I study after school for six or seven hours at a time, and I barely have enough time to chat with my friends for just a few minutes. College is something I know I have to work hard for, and I’m trying my best. But this boy, it seems like we’re just right for each other. I’m not going to say that “we’re in love” for all of those who don’t believe in teenage love, but he’s not your typical guy. We have the same goals in mind, but he can handle school and girls. He’s polite, empathetic, charming, focused and careful with his words. I’m aware that in two years, we’ll be going off our separate ways for different schools, so this doesn’t have a chance of lasting. At all. So, it’s basically guaranteed some sort of terrible ending. So, if you were in my shoes, what would you do? And why? Take the chance at a relationship that promises a terrible ending and risk a drop in school, or continue focusing on school?

Dear Books or Boys,

You sound like a very smart person to be working so hard so young. I can understand how a boy could really make you question your decisions right now. Personally, when I want something, I make it work. If you really want to make a go of it with this guy, then you should. I’m not saying you should just throw away all your hard work though. You will have to find a new balance to your life. Maybe you work your bum off all week, like you do now, and you save Friday nights for guy time. If he really is good at balancing his own life, then he should understand that you have goals, and nothing will keep you from making the best of your life and education. If you have the same goals in mind, he will probably need to get his work done as well, so maybe you can study together? Are you in any of the same classes? You will just have to be creative about the time you have together, and how to get it.

I think that you’re doing a great job working so hard, but don’t forget to take some time for yourself. My best friend is the hardest working woman I know. She worked a full-time job, while putting herself through school full-time. She is always very happy that she works so hard, but often questions if all the hard work she puts in is worth it, if she never has time for friends of guys. No matter what age you are, you will still find yourself in similar predicaments if you don’t take the time now to schedule some healthy social activities. You said that you barely have time for your friends, and I wonder how that makes you feel. I hope that even though you work super hard, you take a few moments for yourself from time to time, and enjoy being young and smart.

I think that if you really want to be with this guy, you should be. Don’t let anything hold you back from what you want to gain in life. I also don’t think that just because you will both be going to college in two years, this will be a dead-end relationship. You do not know where you will be in two years, nor can you predict what will happen between you and this guy, between now and then. Who knows, you could end up in a college close to his, or even at the same one. If this guy really does work out for you, you will find a way to make anything work out. I guess I am saying “Don’t knock it ‘till you try it”. Don’t always discount things because you predict they will go nowhere. Your situation isn’t any less real because of your age. You feelings are still real feelings, and the decisions you make will affect your happiness.

In the end I think you know what the best decision is for you. If you think that you can find a new balance to your life, and make something like a boyfriend work, then go for it. If you think that it will be more of a distraction than you can handle, then do what is best for you, and steer clear. You sound like you have a great head on your shoulders, and I think that you can probably figure out how to do just about anything you set your mind to. Good luck with life and balance, I hope you find happiness regardless of what you decide to do.

Get Advice from IAND

Like IAND on Facebook! Or follow us on Twitter!

© I Am Not Defined, 2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited.

At Peace

High school was something I really had to fight for,  for the first time in my life. I didn’t want to go to the same school as all the people I grew up with, so with a teachers nudging, I tried to get into a local “special” school. I had been in advance classes all my life, and I was lucky enough to have a very caring teacher in middle school, to help me find direction.

I had the same teacher two years in a row for English and Science, she was a very involved teacher, and her classes were always fun. She saw me for the intelligent, but anti-social child that I was, and helped me grow out of my shell. She was very good at finding assignment’s that worked well for each student, and I always picked things up quickly in her classes. In my seventh grade year, she announced that she would be leaving our school, and taking a teaching position at a local high school for advance students. I was very sad to see her go, and unhappy that I wouldn’t get to have her as a teacher anymore. She told me that I was smart enough to go to the school she would be teaching at, and told me to apply when I graduated, and offered to write a recommendation letter for me.

When I graduated from middle school, I applied for the special school, and was denied. My grades were not up to their standards, so they would not be allowing me to attend. I was pissed to say the least; I found my classes boring, and easy. I slacked off because I already knew what my teachers had to say, and my grades reflected it. I talked to my school counselor about it. She and I had become fairly friendly over the years, having been in her office multiple times, for not getting along with other students. She understood my problem, and offered to help me re-apply with her recommendation, and I contacted my old teacher for another recommendation. The school decided that I was at least worth interviewing, and allowed me to come and discuss why I belonged in their school. I must have done well because they accepted me on the spot.

My freshman year in high school was a completely different experience than any other year in school. I was finally in a school with like-minded freaks and geeks, who were all closet nerds. I wasn’t as much of an outcast among them; the school was made entirely of outcast kids from all the local schools. It consisted of kids who were passionate about knowledge in some form or another, and had made the choice to go there. It was a very empowering feeling, not having to dumb down your language, or act a certain way so people wouldn’t judge you.

The school was all about personal accountability, there were no bells; you went to class because you knew it was time, and if you were late it was your fault. There were no hall passes; the students were trusted to do what was required of them. Students didn’t have to lug around backpacks full of books, they all had copies at home and in class, making lockers unnecessary. Sports were not even offered, saving me from the horrors of P.E. Instead students had to spend an amount of hours every semester at the gym, or participating in their chosen athletic activity.

I was very happy there. Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t all sugar and daisies. Every school has bullies, and every school has a popular crowd. The social ladder just wasn’t as high there, and it was much easier for everyone to be themselves. I was able to get away from the nicknames and rumors I had grown up with, and have a bit of a fresh start. I made new friends, and had a decent social circle of fun, silly, lovable people.

So what if some of the less desirable people I grew up happened to go there to right? Remember those “You Could Be So Pretty” girls? How about the guy from “Used”? I had a bit of a hard time because they all went to this school. I felt like I had this huge crowd of popular kids I had to avoid because of some stupid incident that had happened a long time ago. It shouldn’t have held me back, but it did. I was incredibly shy around all of them, and was constantly afraid that I was being judged. Why that mattered, I have no idea, but back then, it seemed like a pretty big deal to me. You shouldn’t let people affect you like that. Who cares if other people judge you, you should be free to be yourself, regardless of other people’s personal opinions. It really makes sense in hindsight, but I guess that’s why we all have these crazy life lessons where you figure out the bigger picture.

Like IAND’s Facebook Fan Page! Or follow us on Twitter!

Get Advice from IAND!

Complicated~Advice

Authors Note: I appreciate everyone who takes the time to seek advice here. Without you, I couldn’t keep this going, and I am so grateful! It has been so amazing to see everyone put their two cents in, and I feel like we have really started something interesting here! Thank you everyone for your supportive and thoughtful comments and advice for all the participants! If you’d like to get some advice of your own, don’t forget to head to the Advice Section! Thanks!

Dear I Am Not Defined,

My ex-boyfriend and i were together for four years when we broke up last year in January, when he suddenly decided we weren’t meant for each other. We go to the same church, so basically getting over a break up was hard, I would always see him. In December we met again, and he told me he found out he had a son and he had that son when we were dating (basically, he was cheating on me). He told me he loved and wanted us to get back together. We talked for a while, but now he isn’t calling anymore. Should I move on, should I just assume this is it? Did he just want to use me and play with my emotions? How do I move on from him when I see him every Sunday? There is also another girl in the church, and I feel like they are going out but he denies it even though the girl acts as if they are. Should I just back off?

-Complicated

Dear Complicated,

Getting over a break up is always difficult, especially when the relationship lasted four years. Having to go to church with the guy seems very difficult! I know it must be so hard seeing him, but maybe it is time for you to let it go. He obviously didn’t respect you enough when you were together, if he was out having a child with someone else. He had to cheat on you to get that baby, and that is not fair to you. If he didn’t treat you right in the first place, I don’t think he will treat you right now. It also sounds like he may be leading on another girl, or even dating her. Either way she obviously thinks something is going on between them, I doubt she made up some connection out of the air.

I would be wary of any man who cheated before. In my experience, if he doesn’t treat you right the first time around, it’s never going to get better. I have gone back to the same person time and time again, hoping things would get better, and I only got hurt worse in the end. Give yourself the foot up, and steer clear of this toxic guy. ]

If you have to go to the same church, stay away from him. If it means you have to sit in the back because he is up front, do it. If you’re not around him, he can’t reach you with his drama. If your church offers more than one service, consider attending a different one. If it is just too hard on you to see him, try going to church with a friend who goes to a different one, until you feel like you’re up to seeing him.

If you still talk to him, you should stop. It sounds like he is pretty good at getting to you emotionally, and he will probably try to pull on your heart-strings when he realizes that he no longer holds some power over you. Be there for yourself and steer clear of him. You don’t need someone in your life that hurts you, and leaves you feeling clueless and confused!

You don’t have to go hunt down another guy to help you get over this one, just enjoy being yourself, independent and happy, and in time you will meet someone who gives you the respect and attention you deserve, and doesn’t toy with your emotions or cheat. You’re an amazing woman and no one deserves to be cheated on or screwed with!

-I Am Not Defined

Get yourself some Advice!

Like IAND on Facebook, or Follow us on Twitter!

© I Am Not Defined, 2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited.

Preferential Husband~Advice

Dear I Am Not Defined,

How do I tell my husband that I’m on the verge of asking for a divorce because of the way he treats the kids? He’s not violent but his attitude is atrocious. He lectures the eldest while the youngest gets away with everything. Nothing my older son does is good enough, and it’s causing him to be depressed to the point he’s said he’s wished he were dead.

 -Preferential Husband

Dear Preferential Husband,

It must be so difficult to deal with your husband when he makes your kids feel like this. Have you tried talking to him about the negative impact it has on your children? I grew up with parents that treat my youngest sibling like he can do no wrong, and it really affected how I looked at the world as a child and even now as an adult.

Do you have any idea why he is so hard on your oldest child? Is he trying to get him to strive for more, and just approaching it the wrong way? Or does he really feel like your kid just doesn’t do anything right or well? Is he easier on your youngest for being the baby of the family? Or is he truly just preferential? I would try talking to him about his reasoning behind how he treats the children. If you feel like you can’t get through to him, or just need help, look into counseling. Maybe you need someone on the outside to help you both asses where you are at, and how you feel about things. No matter what, I would seek help for your oldest. Suicide is not a joke and should be taken seriously.

If he doesn’t have any good answers, or you have already tried talking to him or simply feel like you can’t, maybe you should get the divorce. Just be sure that this is really what you want, and that this is really what is best for you and your family. Before you suggest a divorce I would make sure that you have things in order. Divorces can get ugly and I would hate for you and your children to fall on hard times because you’re trying to get away from a bad situation. Do you have family or friends that you can lean on? Look to your support system for help, and maybe even talk to the people you trust the most before you decide to go through with this, and if you do, talk to them about what you should do next.

There is no happy way to go about a divorce. It is the end of something that was promised for life, but if it truly is a bad situation, you need to get out of it. If you feel that you can discuss a divorce safely with your husband, you should. Approach the situation calmly and rationally. Don’t be insulting, be honest, and don’t hash out things that don’t matter. It’s not a good time to accuse each other of wrong doing, it is simply a time to admit that you can’t do it anymore, and to find the best way to get out of it amicably.

I hope that you can find a good way to deal with your situation, whether it comes down to some deep conversation or divorce. I also hope that you will find someone for your oldest child to talk to. It can be so hard growing up, and feeling like you can do no right in your parents eyes. Get them some help before this situation gets worse. You should also take the time to let your oldest know what an amazing person you think that they are. Make sure to be encouraging and to remind them how much you love them, and commend them when they do well, so they don’t feel like their accomplishment’s go unnoticed. In the end you know what is right for you and your family, and I hope that good things will grow from this situation.

-I Am Not Defined

Authors Note:

Suicide is never the answer. It is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, and will not solve anything. If you or someone you know has had, or are having suicidal thoughts, I encourage you to find someone to talk to. Seek help. You are loved and unique, and the world needs you here. If you don’t think anyone cares, I do. I think the world is made of beautiful, unique, amazing people, and it would be a tragedy to lose anyone to such an unfortunate end.

International Suicide Prevention

Need some help? Check out the Advice Page!

And you can always catch up with us on Facebook, or follow IAND on Twitter!

© I Am Not Defined, 2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited.

Enemies

In the hierarchy known as middle school, most people think that they are better than someone else. This is usually extremely true for the popular crowds, who seem to think that they are better than most. This is also true for the outcast kids. Just because they aren’t part of the popular crowd doesn’t mean they are at the bottom of the food chain.

In middle school I had several equally outcast friends, and we formed a decent group of loner kids. I still thought that I was better than a few, and I played into popularity like almost every other kid. There was one girl in particular who I thought was at least lower than me on the social food chain. I am not proud but I took many of my frustrations out on her, and made fun of her with my friends. I felt like making fun of her made me better somehow, and I wasn’t very nice.

I didn’t connect the dots, and realize that I was doing to her, what other kids did to me. My friends and I made her life more difficult, and I have no doubt that we made her feel bad about herself. In all fairness, her side was pretty much the same. She and her friends saw themselves as a little bit better than us, and taunted us as well. We never got along and it was fairly safe to say that we were enemies. Both of us playing into what was socially acceptable, and making life more difficult for one another.

This went on for all three years of middle school. She dated a friend of mine once, and when that didn’t work out, we had even more fuel for the fire. We called her names based on her bodily characteristics, and put her down repeatedly. I am not proud of myself for how I treated another person in school; it seems so silly to me now that I didn’t see myself giving her the same hell I was going through.

Before graduating from middle school, all the 8^th graders got to go on a field trip to some fun place. Like all the other students, I went along for the fun. The day started off with all the older students getting on busses to head out. When I got on the last bus, there were no seats available, except for the one next to my so-called enemy. I had to sit next to her for the entire ride there and I wasn’t looking forward to it.

At some point along the way we stopped ignoring each other and made real small talk. I had never really talked to her before, and I was surprised at how well we could carry a conversation. That moment of friendship ended as soon as we got there, and we found our own friends. The day carried on, and everyone enjoyed not having to be in class for an entire day. I saw my enemy a few times but never approached her. On the ride home we had to take the same bus we took to get there, and once again we ended up sitting next to each other.

We easily struck up a conversation again, and before long we had each other in giggles. It amazed me that this person I thought I hated so much, could be so fun to talk to. Conversation came so easily to the two of us, and we really seemed to have a lot in common. I started thinking about why I didn’t like her, and I couldn’t really think of a good reason. So what if other people didn’t like her, other people didn’t like me either. There was nothing bad about this girl, and she really was nice. I wasn’t really sure why people were so mean to her. She was different yes, but she wasn’t weird or crazy.

On the ride home, I came to the conclusion that I didn’t have anything against this girl, and I decided that we should call a truce, after all why couldn’t we like each other? She readily agreed, and that was the beginning of the longest friendship I have had in my life.

I learned that her family situation was pretty crappy. She had a single mom who was prone to drunken outburst, and a total lack of sobriety. We quickly bonded, and she spent more time at my house then her own. By the time we started high school together, she was more like a sister.

I couldn’t believe that I had spent the last three years acting like a total jerk to this girl for no real reason. Just because it was socially acceptable didn’t make it ok, and in the end I really did like her. If I hadn’t given in to the social pressure of popularity, I would have found my best friend earlier. I am so thankful that we were able to see beyond the reputation other kids had given us, and see each other for who we really were.

It was a good lesson to help me realize that people are not defined by what others say, nor how they look, or your preconceived notions of them. I learned to take the time to get to know someone even if other people have bad things to say about them. How do you know that other people took the time to get to know someone before judging them? Maybe we should all take the time to see who a person really is before we judge them. I think a lot of people will find that instead of making enemies, they make friends. I know I am thankful for my best friend, and for the many years we have been able to lean on each other.

Like what I have to say? Get some advice! Check out my advice page!

Join me on Twitter and Facebook!

© I Am Not Defined, 2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited.