Tag Archives: girls

Complicated~Advice

23 Feb

Authors Note: I appreciate everyone who takes the time to seek advice here. Without you, I couldn’t keep this going, and I am so grateful! It has been so amazing to see everyone put their two cents in, and I feel like we have really started something interesting here! Thank you everyone for your supportive and thoughtful comments and advice for all the participants! If you’d like to get some advice of your own, don’t forget to head to the Advice Section! Thanks!

Dear I Am Not Defined,

My ex-boyfriend and i were together for four years when we broke up last year in January, when he suddenly decided we weren’t meant for each other. We go to the same church, so basically getting over a break up was hard, I would always see him. In December we met again, and he told me he found out he had a son and he had that son when we were dating (basically, he was cheating on me). He told me he loved and wanted us to get back together. We talked for a while, but now he isn’t calling anymore. Should I move on, should I just assume this is it? Did he just want to use me and play with my emotions? How do I move on from him when I see him every Sunday? There is also another girl in the church, and I feel like they are going out but he denies it even though the girl acts as if they are. Should I just back off?

-Complicated

Dear Complicated,

Getting over a break up is always difficult, especially when the relationship lasted four years. Having to go to church with the guy seems very difficult! I know it must be so hard seeing him, but maybe it is time for you to let it go. He obviously didn’t respect you enough when you were together, if he was out having a child with someone else. He had to cheat on you to get that baby, and that is not fair to you. If he didn’t treat you right in the first place, I don’t think he will treat you right now. It also sounds like he may be leading on another girl, or even dating her. Either way she obviously thinks something is going on between them, I doubt she made up some connection out of the air.

I would be wary of any man who cheated before. In my experience, if he doesn’t treat you right the first time around, it’s never going to get better. I have gone back to the same person time and time again, hoping things would get better, and I only got hurt worse in the end. Give yourself the foot up, and steer clear of this toxic guy. ]

If you have to go to the same church, stay away from him. If it means you have to sit in the back because he is up front, do it. If you’re not around him, he can’t reach you with his drama. If your church offers more than one service, consider attending a different one. If it is just too hard on you to see him, try going to church with a friend who goes to a different one, until you feel like you’re up to seeing him.

If you still talk to him, you should stop. It sounds like he is pretty good at getting to you emotionally, and he will probably try to pull on your heart-strings when he realizes that he no longer holds some power over you. Be there for yourself and steer clear of him. You don’t need someone in your life that hurts you, and leaves you feeling clueless and confused!

You don’t have to go hunt down another guy to help you get over this one, just enjoy being yourself, independent and happy, and in time you will meet someone who gives you the respect and attention you deserve, and doesn’t toy with your emotions or cheat. You’re an amazing woman and no one deserves to be cheated on or screwed with!

-I Am Not Defined

Get yourself some Advice!

Like IAND on Facebook, or Follow us on Twitter!

© I Am Not Defined, 2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited.

Advertisements

Used

16 Feb

By the time I started high school, my view on boys was pretty screwed up. I had grown up having had mostly negative interactions with guys, and I was pretty scared because of it. When it came to my dating life, I was probably pretty difficult to deal with. Having been molested, I had little trust in the male race, and I thought that every guy was out to get me.

My first crush was over one of my parent’s friend’s son. We hung out together a lot since our parents were friends, and we were often joined by the daughter of another couple. I remember being pretty good friends with the girl, and we both had crushes on this boy; he was pretty good-looking, and a year older than us. Looking back on the situation now, I can clearly see that he played us both, even though we were kids. He used to sit between us and whisper in my ear about how much he liked me. I knew he was also telling my friend the same things, but I thought he was just trying to make her feel better. I’m pretty good at convincing myself to see things in a better light, if you hadn’t noticed!

Things never got to crazy, but I did kiss him a few times. He was my first little girl crush, but I let it go pretty well in the end.  Eventually our parents just didn’t hang out as much, so we stopped seeing each other. I didn’t expect it to come back to me later in life.

During my last year in middle school, my supposed friends down the street had their way with me again. They dressed me up and paraded me around their house and had a few friends over. One of them just so happened to be the boy that I had a crush on as a little kid. I tried my best to seem cool, but I’m sure I just came off as quiet and awkward. After they left, I told the girls all about my old crush on this guy, and how we used to be really good friends when we were kids. He was a pretty popular guy and still good-looking, so the old crush came right back. My friends told me that he had a girlfriend that they went to school with, but she was a really crappy person. They told me several bad things about her, and I really felt like I should hate her.

The girls got it in their head that they were going to help me catch this guy, even though he had a girlfriend. I went to a different school then they did, so I didn’t know her, and I convinced myself that she was a bad person, so it was somehow ok. They dolled me up again, and reminded me just how pretty I would be if I wasn’t so heavy. They invited this guy over, and we hung out in one of the girls rooms listening to music, and hanging out.

I was pretty shy and quiet, I didn’t have a clue how I was supposed to handle myself in front of guys, let alone guys I had a crush on. I about had a panic attack when both of the girls found an excuse to leave the room, and leave me alone with him. He started making small talk, and then caught my attention when he said something about how the girl told him I really liked him. I didn’t know what to say and I probably just sat there with my mouth open looking confused for a minute.

He must have taken that as a sign, and he quickly came and sat next to me. Before I knew it he was kissing me. The girls came back pretty quickly, and we all hung out a bit longer. We also took some random pictures of the four of us goofing around, and hanging out. I gave the guy my phone number, and told him to give me a call, and we could hang out sometime, and the night ended.

This guy never called me. It was pretty hard, I was young and I thought he really liked me. I felt like I had known him for a really long time, and he should have called. I thought I had done something to make him not want to call, and I was pretty hard on myself. I thought that him not calling was just about the worst thing ever, but I was very wrong.

My so-called friends were apparently not very fond of this guy’s girlfriend, and had pretty much set the whole thing up. After we all hung out that night, they had gone to his girlfriend, and told her all about how he was secretly dating another girl. They went so far as to show her the picture from us all hanging out, but they had omitted most of the pictures with them in them, incriminating me and her boyfriend. I guess she was pretty pissed, and broke up with him over it. He thought I was in on it, and was pretty pissed at me as well.

This was the end of my friendship with these girls. It was one thing to have a guy hurt you, but it was another thing to be hurt by people you consider friends. I couldn’t believe that they had used me like this, and I was upset with myself for following along. I was angry at myself for hurting another girl, and I was very sad over the loss of my friends. Real friend would never use someone like that. I had also had a taste of what it was like to ruin someone’s relationship, and I really felt like a jerk for taking part in that. I learned that it was never ok to cheat or to help someone cheat, someone always gets hurt, and that’s not cool. It also made me re-evaluate what I considered a friend. Friends don’t hurt friends, and they certainly don’t use them in their plots against others.

 IAND is on Facebook, and Twitter!

Get Advice from IAND

© I Am Not Defined, 2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited.

Self Conscious~Advice

13 Feb

Dear I Am Not Defined,

What can you tell someone who’s very self-conscious about the way she looks right now?
I hate the way I look. I’m not skinny, but I’m not fat either. But when I look at myself in the mirror I HATE what I see. Flabs around the stomach, a bit on the arms, on the thighs, chubby face. What makes it worse is that in the past a few people have technically called me overweight or fat directly or indirectly. Just the other day, a guy told me I was wider than my friend, and when it comes to boys, I feel really insecure. I had a few boys tell me I was beautiful online, but I knew that was just because they wanted some action and I wasn’t going to give it. I’m not that type of girl, but it did bring my confidence down a bit. Then the other day, this boy followed me on twitter and we started tweeting each other, and added each other on facebook. We started chatting, and it turned out he went to the same college as me. He then told me that I was really beautiful and something just lit up inside me. I guess I did have a little crush on him, even though I had just started talking to him. I think it was the fact that no guy, a decent one (or so I thought) told me I was beautiful, and I believed it. We started talking about whether we’ve seen each other on campus, and he said that maybe he saw me and asked whether I always wore a blue coat. Because I hate the way I look, I thought he’d get put off too but he still kept being nice to me. So the next day in college, I tried to look for him but I didn’t see him. Then when I came home, without an explanation, he had deleted me off of facebook. I felt like such a fool, and my confidence dropped a LOT. What makes it worse is that I see him everywhere now. I’m not sure whether he sees me or not, but when I walk past him, I don’t even acknowledge him. I just act as if he’s a stranger, but I can’t help noting that I’ve been played, and it hurts. I guess a few of my friends don’t help either. Sometimes they gossip about this one girl and how she’s fat but I don’t think she’s fat, more curvy, but short. They make fun of her weight and it makes me feel really bad because if they think she fat, what do they think of me? I obviously don’t join in, because I have no right to. I was having this talk with my two best friends and they keep saying that I am pretty, and beautiful, and cute, but as much as I want to believe them, I don’t. I want to lose weight and I’m trying to do that right now. It’s not like I eat really badly, I’m just adding more fruits and veggies. I want to change physically, and in a way, I want a genuine guy to tell me honestly how beautiful i look. Guy or girl, I think I just want a person to come up to me and just tell me that I look good for once? Is that selfish of me? I struggle with confidence, and I’m always giving advice to others, which means I keep all my troubles hidden and some days I end up crying because.. it gets to be too much.

-Self Conscious 

Dear Self Conscious,

It sounds like you’re having a really hard time with yourself right now. Guys can be jerks sometimes, and they don’t always think about how their actions will affect other people. I’m sorry some guy treated you like this.

I think you really need to work on being happy with yourself. So what if you see flab in the mirror. Is that flab going to attack? It truly won’t hurt you, just your self-conscience. You’re not defined by what you see in the mirror, it doesn’t reflect who you are, it only shows you what you look like on the outside, your shell. Work on being happy with who you are on the inside, and love for who you are on the outside will follow.

If your friends are upsetting you, talk to them. Tell them how it makes you feel when they talk about other people like that. If they are good friends, they will likely apologize. Girls are mean and tend to attack one another to make themselves feel better, and sometimes it can backfire. I’m sure your friends didn’t think about it because they don’t see you for your size, they see you as the person you are.

You are a beautiful woman, I mean that. Beauty is not defined by size zero fake blonde models, Real beauty comes from the inside. Embrace yourself and your size, there is a man out there that will love your for the shape that you are, and think you are more beautiful than a scrawny girl any day.

Remember that not everyone is nice, and no matter what size you are, people will still find mean things to say. Girls with some meat on their bones get called big or chubby, and skinny girls get called anorexic and scrawny. Not matter what you do there will always be people who feel the need to judge you. Just avoid them and let their comments and actions go. They don’t know the real you anyway, and if this is how they act, you don’t want to get to know them in the first place.

 -I Am Not Defined

Want my help? Go to this Advice page to get it!

Follow IAND on Twitter or Facebook

© I Am Not Defined, 2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited.

Secret Girlfriend ~Advice

8 Feb

Dear I Am Not Defined,

As your latest post is about looks and how certain people can be mean, this came up to my mind. And as I cannot think of anyone else to discuss this with, I thought, I might as well try to ask you. I am fat… to the point of obese. I am trying, but it seems to be a very slow process of losing weight. Earlier I was very confident about my body, but now, I am very conscious. I think it is because my boyfriend says (I am not sure if it is his way of encouragement, or if he really means it) that he is not ready to be seen in public with me. He even refuses to meet me and says it is better we talk over the phone or the internet till I lose weight. Is this normal? Am I letting him trouble me too mush… because such statements by him are very hurting.

 -Secret Girlfriend

Dear Secret Girlfriend,

No woman should ever be made to feel like her body is holding her back. You are not defined by your size, and any man worth your time would see that. You are amazing because of who you are on the inside, your size does not say anything about the person you are. If this man makes you feel like crap about yourself, then you should really ditch him.

It broke my heart to read that he keeps you a secret. He should be proud to be with you, and proudly parade you around as yourself, not some skewed image of what he expects you to be. I think he may have some problems of his own if he is truly worried about your weight, and he does not act very nice with comments that put you down.  Encouragement should never hurt!

There is going to be some guy out there that sees beyond your size, and loves you for the person that you are. You don’t need some vain man putting his own insecurities on you, and putting you down. A true man will love you for you. Look at your body like it is the cover of a book. You can find some truly amazing books in an array of covers.

To be honest, most men don’t want the anorexic model type anyway. It’s not fun to cuddle with a person who feels like a bag of bones. Most men appreciate real curves, and real women. Who wants to be with someone who is that obsessed about themselves, and focuses all of their energy on body image?

If you’re truly concerned about your weight, be healthy. Look at what a real serving size is, on food packages, cut down on sugary drinks, walk as often as you can, and enjoy yourself. It can get pretty boring running on a treadmill for hours, so pick up a dance game and shake your bum off in the privacy of your home (There are some fun dancing games for the Wii etc.). Just find something that you enjoy doing that gets you up and about, and do more of it! Honestly though, don’t focus so much about your size, it doesn’t define you. Be happy with who you are on the inside, and surround yourself with people who love you for who you are, not who you seem to be. I would personally ditch the guy to; you don’t need someone in your life dragging you down. He is too superficial anyway if he only sees your size when he looks at you. Forget about guys like him; there are real men out there!

 -I Am Not Defined

Get your own Advice! 

Check out IAND on Facebook, or Twitter!

© I Am Not Defined, 2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited.

Enemies

7 Feb

In the hierarchy known as middle school, most people think that they are better than someone else. This is usually extremely true for the popular crowds, who seem to think that they are better than most. This is also true for the outcast kids. Just because they aren’t part of the popular crowd doesn’t mean they are at the bottom of the food chain.

In middle school I had several equally outcast friends, and we formed a decent group of loner kids. I still thought that I was better than a few, and I played into popularity like almost every other kid. There was one girl in particular who I thought was at least lower than me on the social food chain. I am not proud but I took many of my frustrations out on her, and made fun of her with my friends. I felt like making fun of her made me better somehow, and I wasn’t very nice.

I didn’t connect the dots, and realize that I was doing to her, what other kids did to me. My friends and I made her life more difficult, and I have no doubt that we made her feel bad about herself. In all fairness, her side was pretty much the same. She and her friends saw themselves as a little bit better than us, and taunted us as well. We never got along and it was fairly safe to say that we were enemies. Both of us playing into what was socially acceptable, and making life more difficult for one another.

This went on for all three years of middle school. She dated a friend of mine once, and when that didn’t work out, we had even more fuel for the fire. We called her names based on her bodily characteristics, and put her down repeatedly. I am not proud of myself for how I treated another person in school; it seems so silly to me now that I didn’t see myself giving her the same hell I was going through.

Before graduating from middle school, all the 8th graders got to go on a field trip to some fun place. Like all the other students, I went along for the fun. The day started off with all the older students getting on busses to head out. When I got on the last bus, there were no seats available, except for the one next to my so-called enemy. I had to sit next to her for the entire ride there and I wasn’t looking forward to it.

At some point along the way we stopped ignoring each other and made real small talk. I had never really talked to her before, and I was surprised at how well we could carry a conversation. That moment of friendship ended as soon as we got there, and we found our own friends. The day carried on, and everyone enjoyed not having to be in class for an entire day. I saw my enemy a few times but never approached her. On the ride home we had to take the same bus we took to get there, and once again we ended up sitting next to each other.

We easily struck up a conversation again, and before long we had each other in giggles. It amazed me that this person I thought I hated so much, could be so fun to talk to. Conversation came so easily to the two of us, and we really seemed to have a lot in common. I started thinking about why I didn’t like her, and I couldn’t really think of a good reason. So what if other people didn’t like her, other people didn’t like me either. There was nothing bad about this girl, and she really was nice. I wasn’t really sure why people were so mean to her. She was different yes, but she wasn’t weird or crazy.

On the ride home, I came to the conclusion that I didn’t have anything against this girl, and I decided that we should call a truce, after all why couldn’t we like each other? She readily agreed, and that was the beginning of the longest friendship I have had in my life.

I learned that her family situation was pretty crappy. She had a single mom who was prone to drunken outburst, and a total lack of sobriety. We quickly bonded, and she spent more time at my house then her own. By the time we started high school together, she was more like a sister.

I couldn’t believe that I had spent the last three years acting like a total jerk to this girl for no real reason. Just because it was socially acceptable didn’t make it ok, and in the end I really did like her. If I hadn’t given in to the social pressure of popularity, I would have found my best friend earlier. I am so thankful that we were able to see beyond the reputation other kids had given us, and see each other for who we really were.

It was a good lesson to help me realize that people are not defined by what others say, nor how they look, or your preconceived notions of them. I learned to take the time to get to know someone even if other people have bad things to say about them. How do you know that other people took the time to get to know someone before judging them? Maybe we should all take the time to see who a person really is before we judge them. I think a lot of people will find that instead of making enemies, they make friends. I know I am thankful for my best friend, and for the many years we have been able to lean on each other.

Like what I have to say? Get some advice! Check out my advice page!

Join me on Twitter and Facebook!

© I Am Not Defined, 2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited.

Anti-Social~Advice

6 Feb

Dear I Am Not Defined,

I understand the bullying and the keeping everything inside. My school days weren’t very different, although I do not have boobs!  I am no longer in school, but it has forever scared me. I still have anti-social behavior and I don’t have many friends. None outside of work. What do you do? How do you look for friends?

Anti-Social

Dear Anti-Social,

It’s very hard to get away from your anti-social behavior; I think a lot of people act this way to protect themselves from getting hurt. If you want to have more friends, you’re going to have to be willing to put yourself out there. I recommend facing every situation with a smile. It is really hard to be mean to someone who starts off by giving you a smile. Kill everyone with kindness, it might sound silly, but people are much more receptive to kindness.

Strike up a conversation with just about anyone, it might be hard to get out of your shell, but you will probably find that you have something in common with just about anyone. I find that anti-social people often come off as stuck up, people think that you’re being anti-social because you think you’re better than them, or something to that effect. Since you’re less likely to open your mouth and let people know about you, they are more likely to make assumptions about you that may not be true.

The best thing you can do is love yourself. If you are happy with who you are, you will be more confident, people are really attracted to confidence. Since it sounds like you had a hard time growing up, your self-love may not be so great. Work on accepting yourself for everything you are, and aren’t. The world is full of different unique people for a reason. It would be so boring if everyone was the same, and I think you’re pretty awesome for being different. Embrace your flaws, they make you unique and they make you who you are. If you love yourself, others will follow.

Go hang out somewhere that you really enjoy, and spend the day just talking to people, some people will blow you off and be jerks, the world is full of them, but that’s ok. It is only their insecurity showing. Hopefully you will connect with some new people, find some common ground and go from there. You both like art? Ask your new friend if they want to go to a museum with you next week. Be proactive, it’s like a first date and you’re the guy, you have to be willing to make the first move, and hopefully you won’t get rejected! Rejection is part of life however, and if someone blows you off, you didn’t want to be friends with them anyway, so consider yourself lucky to have weeded them out so quickly! Keep your chin up and just keep trying!

 -I Am Not Defined

Need some Advice?

IAND on Facebook and Twitter!

© I Am Not Defined, 2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited.

Fake

3 Feb

I was awkward before puberty hit in middle school. All of the sudden my chest got huge, and even in my tom-boy clothes, it was pretty obvious. Other kids quickly took notice and made comments. A rumor spread that I stuffed my bra with tissue or something, and that my chest was not real. Terrible nicknames followed taunts and random verbal assaults from kids I did and didn’t know. I somehow offended half of the girls I went to school with my new physique, and they were cruel. Several times they threw tissue at me or balls of paper, and said stupid remarks like “hey this fell out of your shirt”, nothing very original, just your usual teenager crap.

I really pissed the girls off when people started looking at my chest while we changed for P.E. It’s pretty hard to hide fake boobs with your shirt off, so it was pretty obvious that I had the real thing, and was not in fact stuffing my bra. The girls I had that class with must have started talking, because people soon spread the rumor that I had fake breast implants. Seriously? I was all of 12 or 13 and the rumor was about fake boobs? I remember cracking up at that. They must think my parents have a lot of money, or are crazy.

So for a long time I had a hard time in school because I was constantly getting crap about my body. I was pretty sure people liked boobs, so I couldn’t figure out why they were so mean about mine. Other girls got boobs, and they were suddenly more popular, and their boyfriends just got better looking. I must have done something wrong. I didn’t realize at that point, what a calling card your physical traits become. I would be known as the girl with boobs for the rest of my life, real or fake, I wanted to be known for more.

One student was really mean to me about my physical appearance. She always had something terrible to say, and friends who would laugh along while she made fun of me. We had several classes together one year, and I was miserable. She followed me out of P.E. one day, calling after me as I left. I did my best to ignore her and keep walking, but she came up behind me. She threw some tissue at me, and told me I dropped it. I just kept walking and tried to avoid whatever was happening. This seemed to piss her off more, so she decked me from behind. As soon as her fist hit the back of my head, I knew I was going down. I stayed down, and she laughed and walked away.

When I told my parents what happened, they called the school. The school decided that the best thing to do was let it go. She was a student that was having a “hard time” at home, and in school, and her counselor thought that it wouldn’t be healthy for her to be suspended. The school did agree to make sure we wouldn’t have any more classes together, but this wasn’t the last time things didn’t go well between us. I was very frustrated because I felt like the school wasn’t doing anything, but school bullying was a normal part of life at that school. It was in the low-income part of town, so it was a mix of bussed-in kids, and low-income kids. Gang bangers and preps? Yea, pretty much. It wasn’t very functional, but to the schools credit, they had the best teachers in the district.

I was pretty done with people in general at this point. They only hurt me, left me, or set me up for more pain, and I didn’t want much to do with anyone. I was very against drugs and alcohol, after seeing what my brother and grandfather had become. I hated cigarettes too, my foster-brother always smoked, and it smelled so bad. I didn’t have any good or bad outlet, or way of letting my feelings out, so I held them in. I held my feelings in for years, and it made me a very unhappy, cranky, depressed person. I hadn’t found anyone I could really connect with or trust yet, and I felt so alone and miserable.

Have You Liked Our Facebook Fan Page? Or Checked us out on Twitter?

Check out the Advice page! I can’t help if you don’t need me! :)

 © I Am Not Defined, 2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited.

Advice/Questions

1 Feb

Thanks to the amazing comments and feedback I’ve received about my posts, I have decided to create an Advice/Questions page. I don’t promise to have all the answers, but I will do my very best do give solid advice, and answer questions honestly. I’ve experienced so much in my life, and it would mean so much if I could help other people! I’ll take your questions about life and just about anything you have gone through, or are going through, thanks so much for taking the time to fill out the cool form I made :)

Please feel free to head that way and fill out the nifty little questionnaire I made! Then make sure to check back often for updates, or FOLLOW us! I can’t do this without your help and participation. I need you to help me get this started, without your stories, and questions I can’t get this off the ground!

Please give it a go and maybe you will be the first person I get to write to!

Thanks,

I am Not Defined

Your name will remain completely anonymous if you take part!

Advice/Questions-go here to fill out the form and seek advice :)

Advice:

Secret Girlfriend

Confused

Anti-Social

© I Am Not Defined, 2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited.

Facebook! Twiter!

You Could Be So Pretty

31 Jan

Middle school wasn’t as easy for me as elementary school was. I was capable of getting good grades but I stopped applying myself. I was still somewhat active in school activities, and I was involved in a few clubs. I had a few friends, all awkward like myself.

Several of the kids I grew up with also went to middle school with me, but it wasn’t necessarily a good thing. When popularity became important to many kids, others were left behind. Several of the kids I grew up with were part of the popular crowd, and very quickly created a distance between me. Being associated with an unpopular kid isn’t very socially acceptable in the power struggle known as middle school.

I struggled with kids that made fun of me. I often wore my brother’s hand me down clothes and never acted very girly, so the other girls loved to make fun of my clothing and hair, and lack of any style what-so-ever. It was difficult to feel like I mattered or was worth something. I thought that if so many people said the same mean things, they must be right, and I really was just a loser. I had that mindset for a very long time.

My parents started to get frustrated with me when my grades started slipping. My mom just couldn’t understand why I didn’t work harder. She told me that my life was so easy, and that I needed to stop being lazy. I started feeling like no matter what I did, I wouldn’t impress them, I used to get good grades, and they didn’t care so much then?

Some of the girls who lived on the street were popular, and a year older then I was. I had been friends with them for a while, and we hadn’t gone to school together until then. I went to them and talked about the problems I was having at school and with my family. They told me they would help me, but I couldn’t talk to them at school, or everyone would know they were helping. I was obviously a pretty gullible child, and thought they had a great idea, and would really help me out.

One night the girls decided to doll me up and take me out. I remember them telling me I would be so pretty if I wasn’t so fat. Some friend’s right? I thought it was a compliment and tucked away the fat part for later thought. I let them put make-up on me, and do my hair, it all went really well until we tried to find something I could wear. These girls were tiny, and I had some meat on my bones, so everything they tried to put me in looked terrible. Every time I looked in the mirror packed into one outfit or another, my heart broke a little. I felt huge. I had never felt like there was anything wrong with my body before then. Clearly I was wrong if I couldn’t fit into anything cute right?

I ended up wearing some silly wrap dress that would accommodate my size. We had a fun night in the neighborhood, hanging out with other kids we grew up with. I was just the girl they brought along, that sat quietly out-of-the-way while the popular kids were hanging out. I still felt pretty and I thought I had a good time. It’s funny what you can convince yourself of as a kid.

After the girls made me over that night, I felt like a different person. Not because I looked different on the outside, but because I felt like I was finally starting to see myself. I thought I was a fat, ugly girl, with no friends. For years after this I struggled with image issues, I still do.

I know they probably meant well with their comments, and make over, but it only reminded me how different I was compared to them. I started comparing myself with other people I looked up to, and I felt like I always fell so short. Why couldn’t I be pretty, thin, and have friends too?

I know so many beautiful women who have some serious issues about how they look, or how big they are. It is so sad to think that society helps beautiful people feel validated by putting down people who are different. People come in all shapes and sizes for a reason, and no one should ever make another person feel like they are not just as beautiful as anyone else.

© I Am Not Defined, 2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited.

Facebook Lovin or Follow us on Twitter!

In The Beginning

18 Jan

I am 24 and I am a mom. Most people don’t see past their preconceived notions of a young mom, to see that I am so much more. I have made many mistakes in my life but the road that finally led me here was a bumpy but happy one. My 9 month old daughter truly is the light of my life, and I can only be thankful that I made it to this point. There were many times in my young adulthood that I did not expect to see the next day. I think I often believed that there was no way I would make it to my mid 20’s let alone through another week with myself. Growing up in my shoes had its difficulties, and I quickly grew to be my own worst enemy. For many years I dabbled in drugs and bad decisions. I neglected to care about myself and the people around me. For years I used whatever drugs I could get my hands on to numb my feelings and thoughts. I didn’t want to feel, or have to think, or handle reality.

I know there are millions of people out there who choose to use and abuse substances over living their lives, and for many years, I thought they had the right idea. I in no way condone drug use, I have been down that road and I can tell you endless stories about the stupidity and bad decisions involved in drug abuse. I have driven friends away, watched people die, and nearly killed myself in an endless quest for what? A better high? I hope for a chance to share some of my stories and memories in a format easily accessible to other people with a past.

I strongly encourage any readers to share their own stories. If you felt you could relate to something I have said, please feel free to share. I hope for this to be a place for free flow of thought without judgment. I know that so many people out there have a colored history, but I also know that we are the people we are meant to be because of the experiences, and lessons we live through. I personally believe that we go through all the things that we do, so we can be better equipped to handle situations later on. An easy example of a life lesson? Put your hand on a hot stove, after you burn it the first time I doubt that you will put your hand back, or any other body part for that matter. Life is just a series of lessons accumulating and turning you into the person you are. I plan on laying out several of my own personal life lessons, with hope that someone out there can relate, learn, or enjoy my personal stories.

I am not defined by the person people see when they look at me. I am defined by the way I have lived my life, the decisions and mistakes I’ve made, the consequences I have lived through and the way I have handled the hurdles life has thrown my way.

© I Am Not Defined, 2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited.

We are on FACEBOOK! And Twitter!

%d bloggers like this: