Unsure~Advice

Dear I Am Not Defined,
I recently reconnected with a childhood friend after a decade. He turned out to be a really nice guy, counting on the fact that he had always been rowdy and unruly when we were kids. What amazes me more is that he’s a musician. (I’ve always been weak at the knees for musicians.) He’s really sweet and all (I mean, he seems to be the guy I’ve been waiting for) but there’s a catch–he’s involved in a Christian youth group at his university. I mean, I love God too, but not to the extent that he does. In the midst of all my academic requirements, I don’t think I can commit to all the activities/meetings/etc. that he keeps on inviting me to. When we hang out (he’d walk me to the bus station since I pass by their school and he’s a dormer), we don’t talk about all the religious stuff as much as we talk about ourselves and each other. Still, I’m confused as to whether he just hangs out with me to convince me to join their organization or to actually get to know me better after all those years that we haven’t seen each other.
Sincerely,
-Unsure

Dear Unsure,

It sounds like this guy is actually into you. If he only talked about his youth group when you were around, I would believe that he just wanted you to join the group. It sounds like he is actually interested in who you are as a person, not just interested in getting you involved in something he is into.

You have to remember that he is not defined by his youth group affiliation, and just because he is involved in it, doesn’t mean it is all he thinks about. It seems like he is going above and beyond the call of a friend to get to know you better, and it sounds like you would enjoy getting to know him better as well.

You can always test the water a bit; invite him to do something off campus that does not involve his youth group. It doesn’t have to be a date, just a chance to hang out. If all he talks about is the group, then maybe he doesn’t have room in his life for much more right now. If he talks about his life or continues making an effort to learn about yours, I would take it as a clear sign that he sees you as more than a recruit.

If you are interested in more than friendship from this guy, maybe you need to discuss it with him. Plenty of couples I know consist of two people who feel a different level of religious conviction. If he likes you for who you are, then he won’t feel the need to push his group on you. You will have to feel it out, and see if a conversation about a relationship or more than a friendship is something you’re ready for. It might suit you perfectly to get to know him better for a while and just let life happen!

-I Am Not Defined

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By the time I started high school, my view on boys was pretty screwed up. I had grown up having had mostly negative interactions with guys, and I was pretty scared because of it. When it came to my dating life, I was probably pretty difficult to deal with. Having been molested, I had little trust in the male race, and I thought that every guy was out to get me.

My first crush was over one of my parent’s friend’s son. We hung out together a lot since our parents were friends, and we were often joined by the daughter of another couple. I remember being pretty good friends with the girl, and we both had crushes on this boy; he was pretty good-looking, and a year older than us. Looking back on the situation now, I can clearly see that he played us both, even though we were kids. He used to sit between us and whisper in my ear about how much he liked me. I knew he was also telling my friend the same things, but I thought he was just trying to make her feel better. I’m pretty good at convincing myself to see things in a better light, if you hadn’t noticed!

Things never got to crazy, but I did kiss him a few times. He was my first little girl crush, but I let it go pretty well in the end.  Eventually our parents just didn’t hang out as much, so we stopped seeing each other. I didn’t expect it to come back to me later in life.

During my last year in middle school, my supposed friends down the street had their way with me again. They dressed me up and paraded me around their house and had a few friends over. One of them just so happened to be the boy that I had a crush on as a little kid. I tried my best to seem cool, but I’m sure I just came off as quiet and awkward. After they left, I told the girls all about my old crush on this guy, and how we used to be really good friends when we were kids. He was a pretty popular guy and still good-looking, so the old crush came right back. My friends told me that he had a girlfriend that they went to school with, but she was a really crappy person. They told me several bad things about her, and I really felt like I should hate her.

The girls got it in their head that they were going to help me catch this guy, even though he had a girlfriend. I went to a different school then they did, so I didn’t know her, and I convinced myself that she was a bad person, so it was somehow ok. They dolled me up again, and reminded me just how pretty I would be if I wasn’t so heavy. They invited this guy over, and we hung out in one of the girls rooms listening to music, and hanging out.

I was pretty shy and quiet, I didn’t have a clue how I was supposed to handle myself in front of guys, let alone guys I had a crush on. I about had a panic attack when both of the girls found an excuse to leave the room, and leave me alone with him. He started making small talk, and then caught my attention when he said something about how the girl told him I really liked him. I didn’t know what to say and I probably just sat there with my mouth open looking confused for a minute.

He must have taken that as a sign, and he quickly came and sat next to me. Before I knew it he was kissing me. The girls came back pretty quickly, and we all hung out a bit longer. We also took some random pictures of the four of us goofing around, and hanging out. I gave the guy my phone number, and told him to give me a call, and we could hang out sometime, and the night ended.

This guy never called me. It was pretty hard, I was young and I thought he really liked me. I felt like I had known him for a really long time, and he should have called. I thought I had done something to make him not want to call, and I was pretty hard on myself. I thought that him not calling was just about the worst thing ever, but I was very wrong.

My so-called friends were apparently not very fond of this guy’s girlfriend, and had pretty much set the whole thing up. After we all hung out that night, they had gone to his girlfriend, and told her all about how he was secretly dating another girl. They went so far as to show her the picture from us all hanging out, but they had omitted most of the pictures with them in them, incriminating me and her boyfriend. I guess she was pretty pissed, and broke up with him over it. He thought I was in on it, and was pretty pissed at me as well.

This was the end of my friendship with these girls. It was one thing to have a guy hurt you, but it was another thing to be hurt by people you consider friends. I couldn’t believe that they had used me like this, and I was upset with myself for following along. I was angry at myself for hurting another girl, and I was very sad over the loss of my friends. Real friend would never use someone like that. I had also had a taste of what it was like to ruin someone’s relationship, and I really felt like a jerk for taking part in that. I learned that it was never ok to cheat or to help someone cheat, someone always gets hurt, and that’s not cool. It also made me re-evaluate what I considered a friend. Friends don’t hurt friends, and they certainly don’t use them in their plots against others.

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Thanks to the amazing comments and feedback I’ve received about my posts, I have decided to create an Advice/Questions page. I don’t promise to have all the answers, but I will do my very best do give solid advice, and answer questions honestly. I’ve experienced so much in my life, and it would mean so much if I could help other people! I’ll take your questions about life and just about anything you have gone through, or are going through, thanks so much for taking the time to fill out the cool form I made :)

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