Dear I Am Not Defined,
There is a huge, complicated back story to my problem. All complications with an ex-boyfriend of mine, who I broke up with six months ago, and his new girlfriend (who used to be one of my best friends) and my (now ex) best friend.
My problem is that I have issues with these people but I can’t talk to them; they don’t want closure. I’m still hung up on the disloyalty of my (now ex) best friend because she lied about me, and spoke about me behind my back. I’ve always told every one of my friends to tell me if they have a problem with me, but instead she went to my ex-boyfriend and ranted to him about how I’ve changed, and how I’m a bad person; how I’ve apparently been talking about him in a bad light. Even though I despise him, I’m not that dishonest.
His new girlfriend got involved with an argument I had with him and now I’m no longer friends with her. I don’t feel like I can trust any of my friends anymore; I fear they’re all fake. What do you propose I should do about it, if anything?
-Trust Issues
Dear Trust Issues,
Closure is something I don’t really believe in. Is there really anything that your ex-boyfriend or friend can really say or do to make it better? I think that you’re chasing down something that doesn’t exist. As hard as it is to know that your friends did this to you, be thankful they showed their true colors. At least you found out this guy was no good, and that your supposed best friend has a blabbering problem.
You don’t need people like this in your life. Create your own closure and write them and this situation off as a lost cause. They can’t really make this better, and you don’t need people like them in your life. It sucks to lose a friend, especially over a guy, but she made the decision to act the way she did, and does not deserve a friend who treats her better.
As for this guy, he shouldn’t have come between the two of you in the first place. It shows poor judgment on his part to get between friends, and to allow his girlfriend into an argument between you and him. He should not involve her in the personal issues the two of you have, and she wasn’t a very good friend for getting involved. It just creates a messy dramatic situation, where the cards feel stacked against you. You are so much better than this, and immature drama like this is beneath you.
It sounds like you make a conscious effort to avoid dramatic backstabbing situations with your friends, and if she had a problem with you, she should have talked to you about it. It was very low of her to take her issues to an ex of yours. He should have come to you as well, if he had an issue, instead of sending his girlfriend. I would just let them go, they can have each other. Stop talking to them, and avoid their drama. You are better off without their antics in your life!
-I Am Not Defined
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I Am Not Defined 
I Am Not Defined, that was amazing advice. She is better off without such friends. I call them energy vampires.
Keep advising.
@ I am not defined, it is their loss. See it that way, tw wrong people who dont deserve you.
i always say chicks before dicks.Maybe you should let go of both of them and surround yourself with people who love you.
WHEN YOU GIVE “ADVICE” ON THESE SITUATIONS,…THE BEST YOU CAN HOPE FOR IS THAT “YOU” ARE GETTING THE STORY FROM THE INDIVIDUAL “SEEKING” ADVICE, EXACTLY, THE WAY THAT IT ALL WENT DOWN, CORRECT?
I DO NOT ENVY YOU IN THIS SENSE,…FROM MY EXPERIENCE,…THE STORIES LIKE THESE ARE “USUALLY” NOT QUITE ACCURATE IN THEIR FACTUAL DETAILS,..(for so many differing reasons) THEN THE “SEEKER” USES YOUR ADVICE ANYWAY,…???….HHMMMM……i’ll ponder this one during the course of my evening,….food for thought, if nothing else…..
IF “ADVICE/INSTRUCTION” IS USED UNDER “FALSE” PRETENSES,…THE ADVICE USED CAN NOT BE “TRUE” (FACTUAL) THEN,….BACKFIRING ON EVERYONE INVOLVED???
VERY DIFFICULT SITUATION FOR “YOURSELF” TO BE IN, I WOULD THINK??? I’M CURIOUS TO SEE HOW THIS ONE TURNS OUT…………..BEST WISHES TO YOU….
Life is full of people who’s only purpose is to prove you wrong, not for the sake of correcting you, but for the sake of proving you are wrong. We all have our shares of mistakes, and a true friend is one who make sure you correct it, not by exposing you, but by being on your side holding your hand and jump in the pit even before you do.
I’d take that advice, for there’s no better one… Friends may come and go, but you’ll always be there, so play your cards accordingly….
I tottally undestand! This happens to a lot of people! You are not alone… Your 23 likes would prove that :)
My father gave me some good advice when I was a child and felt hurt by someone’s behavior. Dad said, “Consider the source”. It’s still good advice.
Sound advice!!!
Though may I say her issue from what I perceive is that she is now unable to trust other friends because of what this one friend did…. what I suggest to her is that she has to understand that there are rotten apples in every basket… the matter is just of removing the rotten apple and not of getting rid of the whole basket…. it will seem very hard right now… i know the feeling… this very same thing happened with me… the very same…. but in due time we realize that non trusting is just not worth it….. it will take time, but just remember that just like you are a good person, so are others…. and it is just a matter of finding the right persons and befriending them…..
I would say it’s best for you to find more positive, uplifting friends.
Excellent advice! Unfortunately, finding out that friends are who we thought they were isn’t something that goes away with age. We do however get better at spotting the phonies sooner, so the best thing anyone can do is walk away. Be grateful that not one more day was wasted on a false friendship! :)
Positively and exactly right.
Hi Trust Issues,
In response to your fear of trusting your other friends, Oprah Winfrey once said “When someone shows you who they truly are, believe them” It was good advice. When I felt the way you are feeling now I stopped trusting my friends and began reviewing the way I had seen them treat others in the past. If I recalled I had seen them treat someone else poorly or speak negatively about others I started putting my guard up. I also took more notice of the people who tried to protect me from the ones who betrayed me and began to put more trust in them. The situation changed me from a naive trusting person to someone who became a good judge of character. It was a hard painful lesson but I am happier for it now and I’m sure you will be too in the long run.
All I can say is learn to read the cues early so you don’t invest too much time and energy in people who don’t know how to respect you.
On the up side, once you recognise who your true friends are you will begin to build the best friendships you have ever had. This is worth it’s weight in gold. :)
I had a situation SIMILAR TO that many years ago.
I lost the friend. What was truly funny about it is that her boyfriend was never MY boyfriend, but was trying to cheat on her by using me.
I told her about it and she got mad at ME.
A few years later, he had used, abused her and ditched her in the streets after cheating on her with several others.
I feel like I need to laugh about it, but it’s really not funny.
Perfectly good advice.
Dear Trust Issues,
I Am Not Defined is right on. I have had people betray me too and had trust issues myself. The thing is you are better off staying away from your ex and your ex best friend. You can gain closure within yourself…I know it would be nice for them to give you that but people who act the way they do do not care about your feelings.
Moving forward, be diligent in who you trust…give them your trust slowly but do give it out because you don’t want to close yourself off to trusting anyone ever again. That will only hurt you. I have found the only truly loyal beings (other than hopefully your parents) are pets!
Love yourself and trust in YOU.
xoxo BB
Let go–let go of ALL of this, including your own bitterness and hurt, is what I would say! Walk into a brighter, fresher place in your life and do not look back.
Excellent advice, IAND. Though I am much older, this stuff still happens. Don’t ever expect this to stop. Learn and learn well how to deal with this. Have a basic plan and stick to it….all your life. Let it go. You will find many children throughout your life who never grow up. There are good, sane, and safe people out there who will genuinely care. Find them and care for them, too. If you don’t let go and move on you will stagnate and not see the wonderful new friends before you.
My mother always had advice,
Sometimes hard, sometimes not nice.
She said that people never change
If they’re mean or if they’re strange
That will be the way they stay
and maybe you should walk away.
Otherwise it’s round and round
until you feel beat to the ground.
Iamnotdefined, this kind of drama is not something that is just limited to young people, I see it with all age groups. I actually have a friend that is going through a similar incident with his wife and a best friend. Not a pretty picture. But in this case, there is an old adage that goes thusly; Like me for who I am, cause those that matter don’t mind, and those that do don’t matter. Good advice my friend.